Red String of Regret

Between Graves

CHAPTER 1

Between graves

If ghosts exist, would both of theirs haunt her?

Renee never got to say goodbye.

How long does it take to die?

It was half past nine on a Monday night, three college students were driving home for fall break. Fifteen minutes later, driver-dead, the passenger seat- dead, and the one in the backseat with headphones on? Alive.

In and out she went, one blink the car got smashed, the next Ashley screamed so loud Renee could hear it over the music; by the third blink she wished that night were a dream. Survivor's guilt choked up her throat every time she took a breath in. Every hour for the past 365 days, Renee's soul seeked salvation; it begged her to cut the misery off.

"You need to be strong."

"You need to move on."

"They would want you to live."

That was the problem! Noah and Ashley weren't here anymore! There was no way she could know what they felt. Did it hurt when Noah died? How tired was Ashley's heart? Did the doctors try their best?...It should have been her. It always came back to how it should have been her. Renee could not come to terms with her life anymore. Her heart felt numb; her body-alien.

"Renee, are you okay?" Noah's mom had asked, "I'm glad she had you," Ashley's mom had thanked her. Only if they knew! She felt the guilt surfacing as the tears ran down her face. She couldn't see these women in the eye; she had killed their babies.

Her eyes trailed down the sorrow as she kneeled in front of their graves. Head bent, she watched her tears touch the grass. One. Two. Three. "It's been a year," her eyes blurred, "your parents smile at me, hug me." Renee's voice cracked, "Both of your families came to my graduation. She caressed his grave, " Noah your mom baked me a cake. Ash" her voice a mere whisper now, "your mom told me she was proud of me."

Laying between the two graves, she faced the angry sky, "They won't accept that I was responsible for the crash. Your families treat me as their daughter. How can they?" She heard their carefree laugh as the tears continued to run down. "I got a real job...Yay," there was no excitement in her voice, "I...I start tomorrow. It's at a coffee shop- I know! Not what I majored in but I ran out of savings and moping around in a heatless house is actually less exciting than it sounds." A forced laugh echoed in silence, "God Ash! You hated when I sulked. You'd have kicked my ass, wouldn't you?" She got no answer.

Renee suggled between the two graves. If she had died, she would have been here too. "How am I supposed to do this without you two? How am I supposed to continue?" She felt a droplet touch her closed eyelids, and it turned out that she wasn't the only one crying.

"I am so sorry," Renee whispered, "I am so fucking sorry." Her hands craved to rip her chest open, pluck her heart out and offer it as an apology.

Curling up against the cool marble, she welcomed the punishing rain.

That night at the graveyard, Renee slept for the first time in days. With both of them, she finally felt at peace.