Hesetation

In the flat Delia shared with Brianna, the clock above the oven read twenty three, thirty five. The kettle was wobbling on its station and Brianna herself stood beside it, two mugs at the ready. Delia looked at her, but she didn't really see her, she was so lost inside her head.
Aurora could still be delirious, still fighting with the other nurses. For all she knew, Gladys had stayed on just to special. 'She would do that, you know' said an inner voice having grown familiar with Gladys as a preceptor and a professional. Aurora could even then, still be fitting, still be feverish, still be struggling to breath ... As if Aurora being so sick wasn't bad enough, the image of the scene Delia had burned into the very matter of her brain included Chris. Delia had tried, but could no longer deny that her feelings for Aurora ventured into crush territory. And now Chris had shown herself to be very close with the very obviously queer little redheaded guitarist, Delia couldn't help but also feel defeated. Unlike defeat from failed exams, rejection from job applications and the like that she'd experienced before, this feeling spread its tendrils deep into her soul and burned. This kind of rejection was subtle but to the right pair of eyes, glaring. It was something she couldn't make anyone else see with her, which only added to her own discomfort. As Brianna added the boiled water to the mugs, the smell of black tea wafted its way into Delias nostrils and brought her careening back into the here and now like a freight train.
"Here. Drink" Brianna ordered, suddenly standing beside Delia at the table holding out one of the mugs. "A shot of milk and two sugars" she added as Delia took the mug by its rim in a shaking hand. "Now, talk to me" she said, sitting down opposite her with her own mug dangling between her thin fingers.
"What's there to say? She shows up on my ward, sicker than a withdrawing addict during clinicals when I haven't really held up a line of communication. Been a little busy. Forgive me but no wish to lead anyone on when all I can promise anyone is that I might text them" Delia said, scolding the tip of her tongue on the hot tea.
"So, what're we talking, fever?" Brianna prompted, peering at her with a keen hot pair of eyes. Delia nodded.
"Dyspneic? Orthopneic? Combative?" Brianna continued.
Delia nodded along darkly. "Fitting too. Two seizures I heard" she added, feeling her gut twist uncomfortably.
"So febrile, fitting, dyspneic, orthopneic, combative... They do cultures and xrays?" Brianna asked. Delia could see her interest being peaked and nodded.
"Cultures, a film. empirical antibiotics, oxygen. They've got the whole septic arsenal onboard" Delia explained, worry making her insides feel like old lead. Her face paled and she felt sick for a moment.
"Hmmm. And that chick with her?" Brianna prompted, sending another chill right up Delias spine.
"Who knows. But if I'm honest ... I think there may be some history there. She certainly seemed to be able to calm her quickly. There are some terms of endearment that are only ever used for significant others" she muttered, letting herself lean on her haunches, sighing.
"Or fellow queers" Brianna muttered, taking a drought of tea. "So you're worried about her, the sick one and her slightly taller blond companion?" she asked. Delia nodded, deflating like a blue inflatable raft.
"Well, that's rough baby" Brianna said, putting a cutting emphasis on the last word. Delia looked up at her and smiled in spite of her worry.
"I'm really not sure if I'm imagining things or if I'm actually seeing her girlfriend. I've really never been great shakes at the whole gaydar thing but she is queer there's no doubt about it. And so I have to assume ... consider ... the reality that Chris the drummer might also be the ... partner or whatever word they want to use" Delia explained, choosing her words very carefully as a train of alternatives passed by her mind's eye.
"Awwww, honey, you really do like her don't you?" Brianna said, her eyes warming still further. "But easy there" she added. "She could just be in a band with this girl. I saw her eyes that other day at the gig. Only joy in them, no warm misty love, no lust. No crush energy. Not even for her frontman. Is that what's got you so worried, or is it that plus the medical issues?" she continued.
Delia cast her tired eyes downward and sighed heavily again, nodding. "It's the way she talks to Aurora. Like they've known each other forever. It's the way she holds her hand and soothes her in that moment. And I know I'm being neurotic. Don't say it. But I feel all kinds of new and strange about this girl. Is this what a crush really feels like? I don't remember ever feeling like this with Saun or Brad. Even my first ever high school crush Tim" Delia said, shrugging and finishing half of her now warm tea in a few gulps.
"Well, we all remember Brad. You were in tatters over his fling with Martha, remember?" Brianna asked, smiling a sly smile behind her mug.
"Ughh don't remind me" Delia moaned, finishing her tea. There was a moment of silence while Delia placed her mug down with a thunk on the table and took her hair out of its braid. "Maybe I should've called ... If I had sooner, maybe she might be alright. I donno" she muttered, scrubbing her exhausted face with her hands.
"Ahhh! and here comes the maybe-it's-all-my-fault routine" Brianna cried out theatrically, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms. There was a loving smile on her face that undercut her sarcasm significantly, but this did nothing to lighten Delias mood. There was another pause.
"What if it is though. In her eyes, what if I really should have phoned?" Delia asked, suddenly holding back no longer, even in the face of the blinding absurdity of her question. Briannas eyes reflected this right back at her, wide despite the fatigue trying to pull them closed.
"Look, I'm not gonna sit here and try to make you see how unreasonable you are to yourself. I know I won't win that fight. But try holding off on the self-blame routine until you see her again. Both of them. And you have a chance to talk to them. Least then you save yourself all that unnecessary bullshit. 'Kay?" Brianna said, sounding maddeningly patronising for just a second. Delia swallowed the urge to scoff and storm out. If they were sharing this chat in either of their bedrooms, Delia might have thrown a pillow at her.
Brianna got up from the chair, took Delias mug along with her own and dumped them in the sink at the window, she then came back and placed a hand on Delias shoulder. "I have to go to bed. You do as well. We've got work tomorrow" she said, patting her shoulder and sidling toward her bedroom door. Delia got up with a groan and followed her, veering off toward the adjacent door.
She didn't bother taking off her scrubs or her cardigan or her sneakers. She fell onto her bed without bothering to slither under the covers. She hadn't even taken her makeup off before she fell into an unrestful sleep, punctuated by disturbed images of Aurora and Chris in that cramped hospital room.