Hesetation

Clearing the Air.

The first thing Aurora was aware of was the pain. It was everywhere. Her chest was on fire as was her throat. Her head pounded and something stuck over her face made her nose itch maddeningly. Also, and possibly worst of all, her upper half was naked under what had to be a gown, which meant someone had undressed her. She felt sick briefly at the realisation. Her limbs felt like they were made of old lead, heavy from lack of use. On her right arm, there was a stabbing burning pain. The steady beeping, speeding up and slowing down very slightly from somewhere off to her left. The constant hissing and ticking of something over to her right. And the voices of two people she knew spoke to each other from somewhere close by in hushed tones. One was so familiar the sound of it made her heart rate quicken, something the machine beside her proclaimed. The other however, Aurora remembered from a better day. It's catch and distinctly blue sound reminded her of a blue dress, a martini and a G chord. Goosebumps rose up her bruised and scared arms.
"Ohh I don't know. She hasn't come round for two days. Since her seizure in the E R the the other evening. I don't think they've sedated her for twelve hours though so she's probably just asleep right. That's good, I want her to just sleep as much as possible." Chris was saying from somewhere to her left. Aurora felt her lean on the bed and longed to reach down and touch her. To let her know that she was aware, awake. That she could hear them.
"You're a sweetheart. I honestly... I..." The other voice said, stammering and dripping with guilt.
"She hasn't texted or phoned has she?" Chris asked, tone sympathetic. There was a pause and Aurora felt a surge of her own uniquely noxious guilt ride up in her gut. She heard a few footsteps padding over closer to her bed on the plasticky, spotless floor.
"Well... I'd be tempted to tell you with all the certainty I can muster... that it has little to do with you. But really... what do I actually know. But she talked of almost nothing else but you in the days following our last gig. At least until assessments began to pile up" Chris was muttering, leaning her elbows on the bed by Auroras left leg.
"Really?" The other voice hissed. And Aurora suddenly recognised its owner with the force of an out of control steam train. She was both thrilled and horribly embarrassed not to mention squeamishly guilty. Chris was right after all, Aurora had failed to communicate before now even as her own thoughts carried on dwelling on her. She had hoped Delia would never see her like this but perhaps that was asking too much. Under the pressure of assessments, exams and the bands collective decision to take a break, Aurora had folded like a cheap suit. She felt Delia sit on the other side of the bed. Heard her sigh heavily.
"Something's holding you back." Chris said, pensivelly. There was a long pause and Aurora felt Delia swivel toward her and then she took hold of one of her hands. Her grip was tentative, almost noncommittal and fleeting. She let go almost immediately as if she was afraid to touch her.
"I'm just thinking..." she muttered.
"You're doubting whether she actually likes you. You're doubting your own feelings. Maybe there's some part of your brain that doesn't know how okay you really are with being smitten with another woman. Maybe there's some fear there too. Because you don't know what will happen. You don't know how things will go. But for all you've tried to deny, to rationalise, you can't just ignore how you feel." Chris was saying. Her tone gave the impression of a therapist, probing at the heart of a tense and troubling issue with a smug air that suggested she knew she was right.
"I'm not... I mean... I don't think I'm..." Delia stammered. "I haven't exactly held open the line either. Clinicals are really kicking my backside. In case I can't do much more than work and study right now, I really don't want to lead her on" Delia said, tone shifting from tentative to soft and apologetic.
"Honey, I've seen this before. You're smitten. Stop being a liar." Chris interrupted coldly, though she was talking through a smile.
"Doesn't she like you?" Delia asked. "I mean, I really don't wanna come between you two". Aurora could hear the bed creek as Delia craned her neck about to look at Chris.
"Nah. I mean... We're mates. We play together, occasionally. There was a time when she needed a place to live and my bassist and I had a room. When I first met her she was so guarded but I didn't let her push me away. When I found out she was a star guitarist I tried to talk her into joining the band but then all this shit hit the fan at home and things just blew up. So afterward, she came to live with us and she's been renting out back room. Now we play together. She's my friend, not my girlfriend" Chris explained. Aurora yearned to reach up and slap her hand over Chris' mouth to silence her. Delia did not need to know any more after all.
"So... You and Aurora..." Delia said, tentatively.
"No." Chris interrupted. The tambre to her voice gave the impression of talking through an even wider smile. Aurora could have sworn she heard Delia give a small relieved laugh.
"I'm going to get some coffee Miss Delia. Do you want anything?" Chris said as her weight left the bed. She heard Chris leave the room without another word but Delias weight stayed put. They were alone and the hiss of her mask, the beeping of the monitor, and the ticking of another machine punctuated the silence. Then she heard Delia give a shuddering breath in and out, felt her hand come to rest tentatively on top of her own. It was warm and larger than hers and soft, free of all the callouses Chris's had. More goosebumps rose up from her hand.
"I'm sorry Aurora." Delia squeaked, breath hitching. Aurora wondered what on earth for. Like it was Delias fault she was in this predicament, like she had anything to be sorry for. Aurora knew she must feel guilty about things but Delia had to know this was unjustified. Aurora knew she'd been a busy woman, they both had. She had to know how unreasonable she was being.
"I'm sorry I didn't call again." Delia sobbed. It struck Aurora at that moment, the magnitude of the guilt Delia must be feeling. Aurora faught, gave a monumental effort and moved her hand, the one that was under Delias hold. She cracked her eyes open and fought to focus on the person leaning over her in the dim light of the hospital room. As she came into focus, she saw Delias face was red and streaked with tears.
"Hey" Delia said as Aurora focused on her. Her hair was down and flowing over her shoulders like a chocolate waterfall. Her matt black frames highlighted that pair of crystal blue eyes that were wide with worry and she was dressed in what looked like an old crew neck shirt that stretched over her bust and was cinched in at the waist. Aurora couldn't help but smile at her, a sight for sore, weary eyes.
"How do you feel?" she asked. Aurora had not given this more thought than surface level since she'd come round from whatever drug induced sleep she'd been under but gave it more thought as Delia brought it up.
"Wrecked" she rasped. Her voice was so scorched, it was almost gone.
"You've been asleep for days. But your fevers down and your lungs are clearing up" Delia assured with typical clinical accuracy, her tone snapping momentarily back to what Aurora assumed was the way she sounded at work.
"I feel it. A little better than last week. Ohh. I have work to do. Have I missed the exam?" Aurora tried to say over the mask, as loud as she could just as it struck her that she probably had missed the exam.
"Chris said she got you an extension for all your work... I'm sorry, I can't take that off. You need it." Delia said, nodding toward the mask and its associated tubing.
"You don't have to be sorry." Aurora said, voice getting a little louder over the hissing of the mask. "Not for anything... I should be sorry" she countered, reaching up her other hand to her chest as she spoke.
"I wanted to call, everyday. And I'm sorry I didn't'" Delia said voice thick with sobs. "I've been on clinicals and you've been playing music and getting assignments done and working way too hard. I didn't want to distract you because you're studies and your music is so important to you" she added, hiccuping.
"Darling, you're  are important to me" Aurora interrupted, reaching up before she could stop herself and placing her uncannulated hand on Delias soft cheek. "I wanted to call too. Believe me. But I want to give you all my attention. And I can't while I have all this stuff to do" she explained. As she did so, she found herself aching, a lump rising up in her throat as though all her emotions were trying to escape through her mouth.
"Honey." Delia said, voice cracking.
"Don't cry" Aurora rasped, streaking a thumb across Delia's cheek under her eye and wiping away a tear even as her own heart broke a little.
"I've been so worried though, Aurora. I'm serious. Even more so when I saw you get admitted here. I was wondering if I should have phoned, maybe been a little more persistent. Maybe if I had I could have done more to help. My preceptor helped admit you and she was super worried too. You had what they like to call the septic triad. And I was completely useless" as Delia spoke, her breath caught and she hiccuped again, stopping short as if she couldn't bring herself to say what Aurora knew she'd seen.
"You saw me fit, didn't you?" Aurora asked, groaning.
Delia however, shrugged. "I saw you feverish and agitated. Didn't know if that was a seizure though. Chris said you had already fitted twice. Don't know if you did after that" she confessed, grimacing as though remembering something truly ugly.
"I'm sorry you had to see any of it." Aurora said, grasping Delias hand. "When I get sick, shit hits the fan. It's the last thing I want you to witness" she said, tears rolling down her face and into her mask. "I'm so sorry Delia. For putting you through that" she added, suddenly realising what she as seeing in Delia's face. It was pain, that was wrapped up in regret and tied up in a two thick ribbons of anger and frustration. Maybe some of that was directed at her, some of it may even be directed at herself. Aurora couldn't tell.
"I'm a nurse, Aurora. I've always seen worse. The only reason any of that would have phased me is because it's you" Delia said, voice steady despite her tears. Aurora felt something inside her chest melt and spread warmth outward, into her limbs and deep in her stomach.
She took her hand off Delias cheek and rested it on top of her hand, applying some gentle pressure. "So, how bout we just start over. You know, pretend like the last few weeks didn't go by in mutual silence and you didn't see all the ... the shit hit the fan" Aurora proposed, crossing her legs under the covers of the hospital bed and wrapping both hands around Delias shaking ones.
"Yeah, that sounds good" Delia said, nodding.
"So, hey there m'lady aren't you looking resplendent this fine evening" Aurora said, the sentence dissolving into coughs and giggles mingled together. She carried on laughing until she coughed and had to stop to catch her breath. Delia brought the head of the bed up a little and held the oxygen mask on despite Auroras weak protests.
"Hey, easy does it" muttered Delia, rubbing a soothing and remarkably soft hand up and down her shoulder. When it had settled, it took several moments before Aurora could speak.
"Come here" she wheezed, and she threw her arms around Delia.
"Oh. Okay" she heard Delia say. She felt Delias arms snake around her back and envelope her in a familiar warmth and a floral smell that seeped into the mask that covered her mouth and nose, overriding the nauseating smell of chlorhexidine and oxygen gas.
"What's a cute little star like you doing at the back of the stage?" asked Delia softly, stroking back Auroras hair from her still warm face.
Aurora found herself fighting not to giggle, lest she lose herself in another coughing fit. "Hahahahaha, stop making me laugh" she muttered through a wide smile of her own. There was a pause during which they held each other, as though drinking each other in.
"You're going to be fine, Aurora. You just need to trust me to hold you up sometimes." Delia whispered. Her words cut away the metaphorical plastic bubble she'd wrapped herself in. And Aurora couldn't help it. She would have given anything in the universe not to have lost her resolve and her dignity in that moment but this was too much to hope. As Delia held her, she began to sob once more. Giving in utterly, she sobbed like she'd been holding back for years.
"Breath, Aurora" Delia reminded her, rubbing circles on her back.
"C— call me Aro" Aurora hiccuped.
"Breath Aro" Delia corrected and Aurora laughed despite her tears and held her a little tighter.
"So, really you wanna go out some time?" Aurora asked as she let go of Delia after what felt like forever. She could positively see Delia smiling through the back of her head.
"Is that so hard to believe? You're a lot prettier and kinder than I think you know" Delia added. She let go of her and helped her ease herself back onto the pillow and then laid herself down beside her with a creek on the hospital bed.
"I know everyone thinks they suck, but who's to say whose realities are real and whose are not?How do I know mine isn't just as real as anyone else's?" Aurora asked, surprising herself even more with her eloquence even as fatigue started to sap her energy once more. She ran two of her thin spindly fingers up and down Delias back.
"Still... Let someone help, hold you up, even... maybe ... I dunno ... love you." Delia said, eyes snapping up to look at her through the upper portion of her lenses.
Aurora suddenly found she couldn't speak. She just wrapped an arm around Delias neck and pulled her in. Delia reciprocated and they held each other there on the bed.
"I'm not worth the expense, honey" Aurora whispered without thinking.
"You don't get to decide who loves you, Aro." She heard Delia whisper in her left ear. Aurora closed her eyes and let her body relax. Delia held her as she let darkness take back her senses. She felt Delia gently extract herself from the bed and heard her pull up the side rail with a faint click before sleep took over once more.