Forbidden Habit

Chapter 18

Thirteen days...

It had been thirteen days since the last time the woman laid her eyes on the girl. Thirteen days from the moment she saw her leaving the dance studio, her back facing her as she walked away with a single goodbye and a discrete stolen glance.

The older woman counted down the days. She had so many hours to spend doing things she likes, having fun with her family, and enjoying the hours she would usually be teaching in the studio, but no, this year was different. 

Her deprivation of the girl's presence was something she couldn't control. She was lost, so lost in her thoughts that everyone around her had gotten worried. She seemed almost depressed, a single blank expression on her face day and night, during family dinners and daily moments. 

Her older sister was the one who was most worried about her. They were always closer to each other, their ages did not differ much. If she had a problem, her sister would be the first one to know. She didn't need to ask her in order for her to open up and express her emotions. They had the kind of relationship where you don't need words to communicate. The older sister would know if her sister was in some trouble just by looking at her and she knew that the latter will approach her by herself, she didn't need any push. 

They were always the two of them when they had a problem, always communicating with each other and solving their problems together. 

So, it was really weird that now, not only was she so closed up to herself, but she wasn't answering her questions either. She tried countless times to help her open up and express her concerns but she wasn't budging, she always shrugged it off by saying that it will pass. 

She thought about telling her many times but she always regretted it. How could she tell her the truth? What could she say? That she has feelings for a seventeen years old girl who was attending the dance studio she was working at? Oh, and she had her in some lessons too?

No, she was embarrassed with herself, she didn't want her sister to think any different of her, she couldn't know what her reaction would be if she told her. 

That's the reason she stayed silent for most of the holidays, her head always lowered, her gaze blunk looking at the space. She of course had moments she wouldn't think about Luna, but they always lasted some minutes before remembering that something was bothering her, and the discreet small smile on her face would fall again immediately.

She spent her evenings in her garage, repairing the cars she had broken down in one of her other episodes. At least it kept her busy from her thoughts and she could calm down before falling again into her mind's traps.

In the new years eve, while her family counted down loudly in unison with happy smiles on their faces waiting for the year to change, she was once again looking at the space and imagining what it would be like if Luna was there, if she was looking her in the eyes and whispering the countdown while holding her hands. Everyone would scream happy new year while she would sheepishly lean in to kiss her lips. 

The only thing that came true from this scenario was that everyone indeed shouted happy new year, insulting her sensitive hearing. She turned her head to the left and then to the right but the girl was not in either chair. She sighed and gulped down the rest of her wine before sitting up casually and walking away from the excited people who rushed to kiss each other's faces and wish happy year. Her thoughts were getting too loud in her ears.

She reached the kitchen, her walking slow and unsteady, and headed to the wine cellar. She grabbed the first bottle she found and went to the garage, spending the rest of the night drinking while sitting on the dirty with dust floor with her back against the wheel of her black Mercedes car, the car she always used to drive to the studio, the car she used to take Luna back to her house.