A Crack on Slap

Episode 5: Genocide and Juice

Now that the gang was properly fed and watered, they sat back down in their respective seats.

"Sasha, are you seriously still hungry?!" Jean watched as she grabbed a bowl of berries and shoved a handful in her mouth.

"...nooooo," she said with her full mouth.

"Whatever, it's starting!" Hange curled and squealed in excitement.

The opening theme played then returned to the Trost incident. Eren ran along the top of the wall toward the colossal titan.

"N**** you look like a biscuit. Imma 'bout to beat the pillow case out yo weak ass!" the titan wiped his arm across the top of the wall, destroying the cannons.

Eren jumped just before the large skinless arm connected with the wall and used his gear to get around to the side.

"This shit looks like Legoland. LET MY IMAGINATION GROW!" The cannons were demolished.

"Damnit, not again," Levi face-palmed.

"Where's Legoland?" asked Hange. Armin grunted an 'I don't know'.

"SMOKESCREEN N****!" the titan went to grab Eren but the boy quickly swung out of reach. "Did you just stick a harpoon in me or was it the wind?! N**** you ain't Indiana Jones!"

"Does anyone understand what the titans are referencing?" asked Jean. "Armin, no? Okay..."

"Jӓger's on the ball though," said Levi, "even though we all know that colossal jackass won't be killed that easily..."

"Look at this boy tryin' 'ta be like Lara Croft," the colossal titan said as Eren moved in to slash the nape.

The titan emitted a cloud of steam, "YOU THAT'S RIGHT MUTHAFUCKA."

Eren struggled to hold on as the steam jetted against him, "oh my god. The smell...it's so...pungent!"

"I'M HIGH AS FUCK RIGHT NOW!"

"I bet it's weed," Armin took out a couple coins.

"Nah, it's probably just titan farts," Connie took out coins of his own.

"Connie, titans don't have asses, remember?" Jean raised an eyebrow at Connie's clear logical fallacy.

"Bertholdt probably just did shrooms again and is talking about how tall he is," Hange said, reviewing their half-full notebook. "Poor Eren though. He looks like he's suffocating."

"If Eren was suffocating, what does that make my situation?" asked Armin. "He's over there like it's a jet-sauna and what did I get? A literal, bone-deep rotisserie."

"...would it be wrong to say that kind of...in theory...sounds a little appetizing?" asked Sasha.

"...Sasha, what the fuck?" Armin wasn't even sure how to respond to that.

"Sorry!"

Eren scrunched up his face, "can't...hold breath...much longer..."

"DADADADADA," Bert ignored Eren. "IT'S THAT MUTHERFUCKING COLOSSAL N****"

"Bertholdt is just vibing there without a care in the world. How rude," said Sasha.

"Honestly," Historia agreed.

"GRRAAAAAAHH!" cried Eren as he sliced into nothing.

From afar the titan yelled, fading away, "Houdini n****..." Eren grappled to the outside of the wall, adrenaline slowly fading as he looked at the hole in the gate.