I'm not good enough.
Why do you think that?
well…
you see…
Well
When I'm home your never around,
I get ignored,
I try so hard.
But I'm never trying hard enough
I'm losing your attention
I'm losing faith
I'm all alone
Needing drugs to numb the pain
Nothing's good enough anymore.
The drugs are the best
It drowns out the pain.
Makes me feel good enough.
People are always trying to take advantage of me,
Because,
I'm "easy"
Little did you believe I was being raped.
Everyday…..
For years……
You just never believed me.
The drugs feel amazing,
They make me go numb.
When I do them it all goes away.
It makes everything feel so right.
It may be wrong to some people
But…
To me it makes everything alright.
Makes everything bearable again.
I need help,
But I won't admit it.
I'll tell you
"I'm fine"
"The cat scratched me"
"I'm not on drugs"
"I'm just tired"
But then you actually believe me
Then the cat scratches get worse.
I'm actually on drugs.
I'm sleeping 24/7 now.
I was never fine.
But your so focused
On making sure it's you that's okay,
No one else.
But when you realize that,
I was asking for help,
You saw it was too late.
You walked in my room,
And seen my lifeless body
Hanging from the ceiling.
Scars everywhere.
Finally saw how thin I was,
From not eating.
And a note beside me.
The first note was titled for my mom.
This is what the note read….
Mom, I'm sorry. I couldn't take the pain anymore. I screamed for help and received nothing. Everyone turned their heads away and pretended to see nothing. You always taught me to…….
Not let anything hold me back.
To always say what's on your mind.
Stand up for yourself.
Ask for help if needed.
Don't do drugs.
Don't lie
Well mom I wasn't holding back. I tried to defend myself all the time. Nothing worked.
I always tried to say what was on my mind to you.
I kept trying to stand up for myself and tell everyone no. But they forced it upon me anyways.
I have asked for help for years now. Everyone turned their heads like I wasn't asking for help. And when you did here me you always told me to stop saying it for attention.
Yea okay don't do drugs ma. But drugs are what make me feel alright. They are what makes me feel like everything is okay.
You always accused me of lying when I was actually asking for help. So I stopped and tried to deal with it myself. I'm so sorry momma. I love you always and forever momma. I'll always be your little girl
There was also a note for the whole family,
And it read…
I'm sorry guys. I tried so hard to ask for help. If my siblings want to know why, tell them to ask your husband why and what he has been doing to me for years. I tried asking anyone and everyone for help. But no one believed me. So I eventually stopped asking for help. I couldn't take the pain anymore. Harming myself isn't doing anything for me anymore. I never meant for it to come to this but I was being threatened to not tell anyone or he would kill my siblings so I am gonna do him a favor and do it myself. Just know that I love you guys so much. I was never lying…… I just wanted to protect my sister's from him. Had to make sure they were safe….. To my siblings I love you guys. I did it for you.
There was also a note
Titled to the rapist….
You know exactly what you did to me for years. I kept telling you to stop, but you wanted your way. Nothing else mattered to me when you started to threaten my siblings. I had to protect them. So I did you a favor and I killed myself for you. I couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't live in fear wondering if you would actually go through with it. You had everyone believing that I was lying about it. That's why it had to come down to this. Now you get to live with the fact that you killed someone everyday for the rest of your life. Live with guilt. I know you don't have any regrets because you only wanted the satisfaction….of getting off. You have distorted this family. But you had to destroy me first to destroy them. My sister's are now safe from you because once the cops read these suicide notes they will look into it. They will also look into my system and find the drugs you drugged me with.
-goodbye and go rot in hell
She was smart.
The last time he did it to her.
She had out the clothes in the corner of her room under her basket.
Then wrote a note for the police…
Officers, I was being raped everyday for seven years now. The last time he did away with me I put the clothes under the basket, in the corner of my bedroom. They are only a day old and there is evidence on them as well. Also drug test me. He has drugged me, to get to me. Please give my momma and siblings the comfort they need and lock him up. I purposely wrote you guys the note because then you guys would have never found the clothes I hide for you guys.
Don't let it get this bad.
Call the police.
I promise you it will get better.
Go to the police,
Don't confide in self harm.
Get the help you deserve.
Your beautiful
You're worth it.
You deserve to live your life and be happy.
Don't destroy your family because you killed yourself.
Go to the police,
Tell them what's going on,
Do what they say,
Lock that pedophile up!
Imagine this….
Your parents, spouse, sibling's, and friends would hit the floor screaming in pain,
Imagine them needing drugs to cope,
Sleeping pills to sleep,
Or alcohol to numb the pain.
They will blame themselves.
Imagine them crying for days, weeks, months, maybe even years.
Imagine them alone and wondering what could have been different.
Imagine them begging god to trade you places
Always remember….
Your pain could be temporary,
But,
The pain you leave would be permanent,
On the people that love you.
