the world from the side of the moon.

chp. 11

dear future self.
keep in mind that some people are just full of empty promises.

they'll bring something up, and you'll fall in love with that thought or idea. you'll overthink it, and tell your 3 friends even thought you're told not to. you will spent so much time thinking about it, overthinking every word related to that topic. you know you shouldn't do that, that you're just torturing yourself, but you'll do it anyway.

and what happens in the end? well i don't know yet. this hypothetical hasn't come to an end quite yet. hopefully it will soon, or i just might go insane.

but don't expect too much from other people. it's better to expect nothing and be pleasantly surprised, than to expect the world and be crushed. obviously that's insanely hard to do. it's human nature to get your hopes up and get overexcited, and half of the time you get let down. you'll hate the world for a week or two, but you move on and hopefully learn something or whatever.

sometimes your gut feeling is what's responsible for your suffering. like when you know for sure you won't make it in to something. my gut feeling has always been right. i knew i wouldn't make it into regions on flute. i knew my om team would make it to states. i knew we wouldn't make it to worlds. there's just a voice in the back of mind that knows, a feeling in my gut that tells me to expect this to happen. it helps for sure. you're not as let down if you see your failure coming. it doesn't come as a shock or surprise because you knew all along that you're just not going to make it.

have low expectations and don't be too hopeful. great advice, me!! i can totally do this!!!!!!

i'm an overthinker. it's just a part of me that won't go away. people should learn to just not say things to me, it'd make everyone's lives so much simpler...

another thing about me that fucking sucks 99% of the time: i am convinced i annoy everyone. I hate texting people first because i think they're doing something important and i'm just bothering them. you don't fucking understand how difficult this makes things. confronting people about anything?? yeahhhhhh i need to take a day or two to plan what i'm going to say. even then i still break into a sweat and want to throw my phone out the window before the person has a chance to reply. "I need to talk to you but I'll just wait until you text me!!!! So we might not talk about this topic for another month or two, and I'll be going insane, but I'll still wait for you to text me first!!!!" fuck that. sometimes i have a moment of strength and cave- usually this means i spam whoever i need to talk to, and wait. this method works okay...for now...

i just need to stop getting my hopes up and stop overthinking and stop caring what people think. super easy!!!!!!!

signed,
please just text me i need to talk to you because my life is a mess but no way in hell will i text you first unless i'm having a mental breakdown. please please please please please text me now or i'll have to rant to my friends again and i think they're starting to hate me.

6.5.15