No Happy Endings

White Robes

 I dress myself in a new white robe. I can't see what's wrong with the old one, but my mother has told me to change it, so it must be dirty. We throw away everything that's dirty. She used to help me change, but now I could do it on my own, if she reminded me every once in a while. I knelt down as if to pray.

My mother never could have helped me pray, but she does it aloud so I can learn how to pray properly instead of just thinking quietly like some do. She makes sure I memorize scriptures to recite in prayer so God is extra impressed. I memorize prayers too, for when guests come, so I can recite the prayer as if it's real and impress them. I wonder if God knows. I feel they must be beautiful so much that He doesn't mind me repeating them, although I'm not sure what they mean.

Everything my mother does is beautiful because she said she never does anything ugly, thanks to God and my father. He's away most of the time, but he makes sure to always tell mother what to do. God instructs father and father instructs mother and mother instructs me. I know I'm always doing the right thing because they always do and they tell me so, all except God who they say I'll hear when I'm older. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if someone doesn't obey their instructions and gives the wrong ones to the next person. I don't have to worry because I always obey Mother and Mother always does her best to obey Father. I'm not sure what God tells Father, although I'm sure he obeys too, even though I rarely hear him talk about God. Sometimes he's very angry and doesn't seem to remember later. He lets his robes get dirty. I've forgotten my prayers again and thought myself away. I pray for forgiveness.

Mother says I must pray especially for bad people who will never believe in God. She's says it's like putting something very hot and uncomfortable on them. It doesn't sound very nice to me. I don't want to hurt them, but mother says the kindest prayers for them will hurt the most. An obedient child is a happy child, so I do as my mother says.

Mother says I can pray for anything I want, but I should only pray for good things. I'm not sure what is good, other than what my mother tells me, so I only pray for those things. I need to stop praying soon and change my robes again. I don't want mother to have to remind me to change if they've gotten dirty again.

It seems everything gets dirty here. Mother tells me about a place where nothing ever gets dirty and there isn't even any dirt. She says there are babies with harps and the Lord Jesus. I ask her if I'm not too old to be one of the babies because I don't know how to play a harp and would be horribly embarrassed. I should think Lord Jesus is very old now. Mother said He lived a long long time ago before anyone else alive did. I should like to snuggle up to His grey beard, if He would let me. Mother said he always told the little children to come unto Him, so I hope I get to see him before I grow up in many years. Maybe then he wouldn't want to see me.

I sit down now and open my Bible. I read very slowly and don't understand it, but it makes Mother very happy to see me recite, so God must be happy too. If I memorize enough, maybe He will let me see His son. If Jesus is very old, how much older must His Father, God be!Mother says God sent Jesus down here once. He made Jesus look like a normal person, but He was still God's Son on the inside. He healed hurt people and did many good things. That's when He told the children like me to come to him. But mother also says there were very bad men who hurt Lord Jesus so badly he couldn't keep living. Then, three days later, Jesus came back. I should think He was very angry at the cruel men who hurt him. Mother says He prayed for them, and I wonder how badly the prayer's of God's own son would hurt.

I change my robes again. I'm sure Jesus never had to change His robes. They must have always been perfect and clean. Mother says He wears the whitest robes anywhere now, just as white as His Father, God. I think robes much whiter than mine would blind me, which is why people hear God but don't see him.

My father is home. I hear the door and know it must be him. I don't understand the words he's saying, but he's angry. I don't like it when Father is angry. Sometimes Mother cries and I see spots on her robes like dirt but red. I'll go up to her and recite. It always makes her smile and she has me go away so she can put on clean robes.

I hear Mother cry out. I want to finish memorizing my scripture first. Then I run down. She's lying on the ground and I'm afraid her robes are very dirty. She needs to change them. She's crying too and I don't like it. Her robe is stained red and it's growing. I recite to her, "Therefore, 'they are before the throne of God and serve him; day and night in his temple; and He who sits on the throne will shelter them with His presence. Never again will they hunger; never again will they thirst. The sun will not beat down on them, nor any scorching heat. For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd; He will lead them to springs of living water. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.'"

When I'm done reciting, Mother doesn't smile. Her robes are all dark red and wet and heavy. There is no living water which will bring her back to me, and God doesn't come to wipe away a single tear from her lifeless eyes.