Stay With Me | Billie Eilish

Chapter One: Back

Hi. Welcome to "Stay With Me".

Just like with "Friend's Don't Look At Friend's That Way", Nalani will carry you through the storyline.

She'll tell you everything that happened - how it started and how it ended.

Major trigger warning for eating disorders, mention of calories and weight, self harm, suicide, drug abuse.

Take care.

———

Billie wasn't an ordinary person. She was rather a person of many troubles with a mind that just waited for the right time to attack her.

I didn't know it at first. It was only as time went on when I got to see all of her layers.

One leg over the other, she sat on the leather couch, eyes focused on a small hole that was on the floor.

Her body was slumped.

Heart beating as fast as a rabbit running from danger.

One arm behind her head while the other one was playing with the material of her pants.

The painful silence of the room was complimented by a clock ticking as she tried to figure out the right words to say.

Through the window she could see the cloudy, gloomy New York weather that was peeking in the respectably medium sized room.

"I don't know. I guess I just... didn't feel like living would be worth it."

She shrugged her shoulders at the statement of her own but didn't dare to look up at the woman sitting in front of her.

"And why do you think that is?"

Her eyes slightly widened at the question.

What a shit one.

"Umm..."

No words were on her mind that she could say to express how she felt that night.

Or how she felt all the time really.

It all was like a nightmare that she could only partly remember.

"I-I don't know," she swallowed the lump in her throat and dryly chuckled to hide the fact that she felt vulnerable.

"It's okay. Take your time."

She felt naked.

Naked and exposed.

Her mind brainstormed over all of the possible answers for the presented question yet none of them felt good enough.

Was there even a right answer?

"I guess I just felt like I had to absolutely fucking destroy myself to the core... just so everyone else could see how actually fucking ill I was."

Her therapist jotted something down yet again.

"Did it have to do something with Jolene?"

Only by just hearing her name, her ears began to ring.

It felt like the room was shrinking around her.

Billie's fragile wrist got embraced by her thumb and her pointer finger, then her middle one, her ring one and her pinky. Just to make sure that the room was really shrinking and it wasn't her who was getting bigger in her mind.

She didn't want to be there due to being forced into therapy.

If she'd refuse, she'd be put back into a psych ward in a split second.

Clearly it wasn't helping.

But the memories of the white walls of her room, the constant invasion of privacy, deadly screams and bright lights made her choose some unhelpful therapy over the clinic any day.