Wednesday, 13 April 2022
Last Monday I found out that his ex-fiancee is already in a relationship with another guy. I was shocked and wondered if he knew about this. A lot more shocked to know he does.
He is the type of guy who will say "Okay naman sa akin ano gusto niya gawin. Hindi naman ako nagmamadali" and my heart broke for him when I found out that the new guy is a friend of his ex-fiancee's sister. I saw one vid in SNS of the guy playing in a band and the girl's niece was just at the door.
I felt so guilty being sad about him not giving me his attention. I felt so bad that I wanted to ask him on how he sees me. I forgot that 6 yrs ago, I was there, in that position, cheated by the person who I decided to spend my life with. A person who I adjusted my life decisions, my entire path for. I failed to realize that that happened to me too, and I told people, even months later then, that I'm not ready for another relationship coz I still have the monster in me. A side of me who's angry about everything that happened, a side of me who cannot stop hating everyone who betrayed me, a side of me who cannot stop hating herself for turning a blind eye on everything she already expected. I was there.
These past few days, I always wonder why he seems distant. He can just tell me how he feels, but today I realized that even when I was in that phase, I never wanted to talk about it with anyone. I wanted to suffer alone. I wanted to be angry alone. I wanted to cry alone. I hated myself for allowing people to do that to me, for allowing myself to experience it, for being stubborn and making myself believe that what happened in the relationship were just challenges. It took me a year or two before I was able to openly joke about what happened in my past relationship and before I was able to comfortably talk about the cheating, the misery. Even with the family issues. When I left home, I was only able to tell one or two persons that time because I wanted to handle it alone. I don't want to receive sympathy from anyone because I wanna move forward and I don't want the sadness to linger in me.
I like him. I really like him. I am hurt, knowing he's hurt coz I know he doesn't deserve this. I wanted to hug him. I wanted him to know I'm here. I wanted to share his pain. I want him to know and feel he is not alone. Even if he may not look my way, I want him to know that if he needs someone to run to, I'm here. I'll stay with him if he wants me to. If he'd allow me to. Kahit walang kapalit.
