Right now I'm so confused. Sobrang lungkot ko na naman when I'm supposed to still be angry. Many things run thru my mind
Ganoon ba ako nakakahiya ma-get involved with?
Ganoon ba ako kababa para hindi maappreciate?
Ganoon ko lang ba dapat ilugar sarili ko? Makuntento on how people treat me?
Should I not be angry for being treated badly?
Should I not be hurt when people hurt me?
Hindi kasi ako naniniwala na mabait ako. Hindi din ako naniniwala na fragile ako. Pero kung paulit-ulit sinusubukan basagin, siguradong mababasag din. I've been holding everything in kasi naniniwala ako na if not now, maybe people will realize it later. I just have to believe in them and lay my hopes in them. Tell them what's wrong so they can have the option to decide on what to do with what they know. It was the build up of small things. People say I'm afraid of taking risks, but this is the greatest risk I know — to believe in people and friends even if any time they can destroy you. Kaya I see myself being brave enough to believe in them.
There were people who talked to me from my past, thanking me for believing in them when nobody else does, and that's when I started seeing people on what they can be. They have their own lives, but sometimes a belief from other people can boost the confidence in them to become better. It can make a huge difference. It can sometimes save people's lives. People who believes in them that they deserve a chance again and a shot in life.
I'm not regretting believing in people even it ended up destroying me because:
1. There are much more people who thanked me for believing (sometimes the only one) in them, and I'm so proud seeing them at the best version of themselves now.
2. Them hurting me is not within my control. All I can do is protect myself. It was their decision to strike me/hurt me.
3. I know it's not wrong to believe in people.
After 2016, I built enough walls to protect myself, distanced myself from people and even friends and decided to live in the moment and forget the future (planning ahead). The only people I let in are those who are interested to penetrate the walls. Those who made an effort in trying to see thru me. I was able to keep myself sane by being a dead fish that goes with the flow. As time goes by, I started not to care on what others say and think about me. I was often linked to my friends who were already married and have kids, but I don't care and in order not to sacrifice my friendship with them, I introduce myself to their wives. I wanted their family to know me in order to trust me that I have my values and I won't do anything to harm or hurt them. I can't control what other people have in their minds but I can definitely show them who I really am. I became that for how many years.
I even had a friend who has a contagious illness but was afraid that people will stay away from him. He experienced it when people showed him that they do not want to be near him, that's why he stopped believing he can be more. When I found that out, I went to buy lots of vitamins for myself. I don't want the sickness, but I don't want him to make him feel scared to believe in people. I stayed by his side. It may sound stupid but I even shared a drink with him. Same straw, just to make him feel safe and comfortable to be beside me. I helped him think he can be better, that he can move forward and to stop thinking about what other people will do. I closed his eyes on things he might see that can hurt him. I never failed him when he put his trust on me.
But it is really different when people important to you say something about you. What they think really matters to me. You give them your full trust in order to make the jump, to take the leap and to let down your armor in order to go higher.
Hindi ako mapagtanim ng galit. Alam ng lahat yan. Kahit ng mga tao in my childhood, they know I don't fake my feelings. Hindi ko kayang magpanggap na galit kung hindi naman ako galit. Hindi ko kayang magpanggap na umiiyak kung di ako naiiyak. If people think I'm pretending to be strong, I'm not. It is actually me TRYING to be strong. It takes a lot of effort for me to strengthen myself and I don't want anybody else to break me.
Then I realize, I'm no island. I'm human too. I needed people who can care for me, who appreciates me, who can also be there for me when things are worse. I always thought I do not need one but instead, I SHOULD be one for anyone. That maybe because I'm showing people I don't need it, that's why I never got any. And I was contented with that. But I forgot myself. I don't show my broken side, except only to people I trust that no matter what they see, they'll keep my head to logic. People of strong values who'll accept me at my worst yet won't let me do something stupid out of emotions. People who won't want for me to become worse and to stop being me just because of people who broke me.
Some say I'm careless, but I'm just not scared when I'm not doing anything wrong. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to live everyday with no regrets. I'm not hiding anything that doesn't need to be hidden. I don't explain to people who will not listen to me anyway, but sometimes I do when I know they deserve to know the truth. I do what I can and what I think I should do.
Even with all the tormenting pain I went thru these past few weeks, even when a lot changed in me, even when I pushed more people out of my fortress again, I'm very well aware that one day, the walls would soften again for these people. And when they start penetrating these walls again, I know I will start believing in them again and all I can do is hope they won't choose to destroy me again.
But right now, I know I'm still in pain. Seeing the people I value do things to other people but CAN'T with me no matter how hard I try. I'd by lying if I say it doesn't hurt already. It still does. "Kaya naman pala nila. Hindi nga lang nila kaya para sa akin." is a realization that hurts the most. Being able to realize that I'm not deserving, I'm not worth it, I'm not as valuable is a hardest pill I had to swallow this 2023. I have to accept I'm not good enough and be okay with being just that so it won't hurt anymore. That's the goal. Not to be hurt anymore. The scars may show but at least they don't hurt anymore. I may give people the consent to trample on the scars, and it will be out of my control, but it won't be hell to me anymore. I just have to harden my heart on things I have no control over. To let go and let things be. But right now, all I can do is cry, to feel the pain. I don't know until when. It still hurts like hell that I can't even stop my tears from falling until now.
I can never bring back time, but even if I can, I don't think I will ever regret the things I did. I'm a person who says sorry unselfishly, but not when I know I did not do anything wrong. I never say sorry for being honest. I never say sorry if it's only for emotional convenience. I say sorry when I really am. The same thing goes when saying those three words I find difficult to say. Coz I'll only say it when I mean it. Sometimes, it's still hard to say it when I meant it. But when I know the time is right (if it will ever be), I hope I'll be able to say those effortlessly again.
