Drunk Thoughts and Night Walks

00; Sneak Peek

It was a spur of the moment kind of thing.

Everything that happened became a memory that I can't really recognize whether they're real or not. There are times that I think I created those memories rather than them actually happening to me.

But I remember a lot of things. Vague memories that I forced myself to forget. I remember college, alcohols, and movie dates. It was a blurred image of a far memory but I knew then that it was real. As much as I've wanted to forget all of it... hindi ko kaya.

I remember taking slow night walks, holding the arms of someone I barely knew. His large hands does not fit perfectly with mine but I somehow felt contented on how he held it as if it was the last time he'll be able to do that. The fading light from the moon glows the dark road that we're walking through. The only sound that I can hear is the buzzing sound that your mind creates when everything is just dead silent. Or maybe it's the crickets from god-knows-where. Or maybe it's my loud crashing thoughts, attempting to be freed and be heard at once.

I can picture our slow walks, wishing how time can stop for a minute, or an hour, or maybe we wished how everything around us would stop.

That's how I felt that night.

Both of my hands tried to cover his but it only covered half of it. My thumb playfully grazed over the back of his hand. My index finger would trace the callous and hard skins plastered on his palm. Ilang uli kong tinatapik ang palad nya na parang nagbibilang ng bawat segundo na lumilipas. Seconds turned into minutes. Minutes turned into an hour.

Halos hindi ko na maalala kung saan kami nanggaling at kung saan ang patutunguhan namin. Nanakit na ang bawat binti ko sa layo ng nilalakad pero hindi ako nagreklamo sa hindi malaman na dahilan.

Ang alam ko lang ay masaya ako dahil pagkatapos ng ilang araw na hindi nya pagpansin sa akin ay napagdesisyunan nyang kausapin ako. This may not be exactly the whole definition of talking to someone, but it is enough, given the fact that it's been days... and weeks since the last time we stepped into each other's personal space.

The reason up until now is still unknown. Natatakot akong malaman ang sagot nya... o sadyang natatakot akong magsalita sya at all.

Kilalang-kilala ko kasi ang bawat kilos nya.

Sa tuwing nilalayo nya ang sarili sa akin, I would therefore conclude right there and then na may bumabagabag sa isip nya. Ilang uli kong ipapaalala sa kanya na kausapin nya ako sa tuwing may gumugulo sa isip nya, pero sa tuwing sasabihin ko naman ay mas lalo nya lang nilalayo ang sarili. Until then, hindi ko na sinubukan pang pag-usapan uli 'yon. Susubukan ko na lang hintayin siya hanggang sa handa na syang kausapin ako.

I want to invade his thoughts. Gusto kong malaman kung anong mga naiisip nya para maging dahilan ng pagiging malihim nya. But most importantly, natatakot ako sa magiging sagot nya.

Isa sya sa mga nagpapaalala sa akin sa mga bagay na tinatakbuhan ko. Binuhay nya ang libo-libo kong takot. He was able to pinpoint all of my insecurity and flaws... and embodied it on his own.

But I also remember hearing his deep breath and disappointed sighs with each step we take further from the road.

I tried to remove my hands from his but he gripped it tightly instead. He stopped mid-step and I looked up at him through my eyelashes, silently asking what goes inside of his mind.

And in that exact moment, I realized that this man is the reason why I tried so hard to forget about everything that happened before I moved on.

Nakakaya nyang saktan at hilumin ang mga sugat na siya mismo ang nagbigay.