A Collection of Daydreams

ANOTHER DAY IN THE LIFE OF MAYA FITZGERALD

****TRIGGER WARNING, MENTIONS SELF-HARM****

I was awoken by rapid banging on the door of our room. Opening my eyes I glanced at the door barely seeing anything in the dark. I heard a shuffling to my right and in a few seconds, I was blinded by the yellow light the lamps produced. Squinting at the window of our door I saw Diana banging on it. She was saying something my tired brain couldn't decipher. Sophie opened the door and poked her head out.

"What's happening?" she asked.

"It's Susan. She tried to cut her wrists in the bathroom, there's blood everywhere," Diana blurted out.

I bolted from my bed at the same time as Chiara had, my heart racing. What the actual fuck was happening? Did she really do it? "She did what? Did you tell the nurse? Do we need to call a doctor?" I fired a series of questions at her.

"Maya, chill, the nurses are already on it," Diana told me.

"Chill?" I asked, my voice coming out an octave higher. "How can I chill when someone tried to kill themselves?"

"Honestly it happens more often than you might think," said Sophie.

"You are kidding me, right?" the question came from Chiara this time. She, as well as I, was hospitalized for the first time.

"Nope, it happens at least once a week," Diana confirmed.

"That's just fucked up," I said scrunching my face.

"Remind us why are you here?" Sophie asked, flashing me a grin.

"That's different. She did it right under the nurse's nose," I protested.

"Honestly if you asked me, she did it for attention. Had she wanted to kill herself she would be dead now," added Diana.

At that, we just nodded silently. All of us were aware that new scars came more and more easily each time, but we still knew where to draw the line. The fear of being blamed or rejected was often stronger than us. For most of us doing it for attention, was one of our biggest fears. We were living in doubt whether it was real all the time. Waiting for our next step, not knowing what we are going to do until the very last moment.

Then another thought crossed my mind. They will do body checks again. I groaned internally. Even now, with no new wounds to show my pain, I shuddered at the thought of my body being inspected.

...

The morning meeting was canceled that day, because of the doctors having to deal with the whole Susan situation. We weren't told anything and so, we spent the morning making up conspiracy theories as to what really happened. The truth probably being that she was taken to the hospital to get stitches, then got a diazepam shot and was put into the 'cage'. I wouldn't want to be in her place but I didn't pity her either. I just wished that morning exercise had been canceled too.

But no, at 7:15 sharp one of the nurses shouted: "Girls, get ready for the exercise and when you finish come get your medications!"

I heard Sophie groan, as we made our way out of the room into the hallway. I had to stifle a groan of my own when I saw that it was Ellie's turn. She was great and all, but always gave the hardest exercises. Ellie was anorexic and at this point, I don't even think she was allowed to shower without supervision. They claimed that she exercised in the showers but I feel like that crossed a certain line.

"Maya, jumping jacks!" Ellie shouted at me and I quickly complied.

By the time we had ended, I was completely out of breath. Still panting, I made my way over to the nurses' room to get my morning meds. We all lined up in the room and took one of the plastic cups containing water.