sparks

33

Dream

"It's okay" I assure him. "It's all okay, everything's okay. I'm here, I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere."

His head falls limp, crashing down to my shoulder, where he continues to cry, where he continues to quietly mumble that he's sorry despite me already having told him he doesn't have to be.

I do everything I'd usually do that consoles him, I grip his hands tightly, I run my hands through his hair, I mutter in his ears that he needn't be upset, but nothing works. He just gets worse.

His breathing doesn't calm, the tears don't stop. He crumbles on the floor, his head pressed against my chest now as he fails to keep himself propped up.

Then, before I can realize whats happening, before I realize that we're still in the middle of the hallway, I'm being pulled from him. Strong hands lift me from the floor, away from Georges suddenly small and terrifyingly fragile looking body.

I watch my father kneel on the ground beside him, taking his head in his lap, essentially replacing where I'd just been. I watch him do what I'd been unable to do, I watch him try to fix what I'm too young, and too inexperienced to fix.

I watch him tenderly raise a hand to the side of Georges face, brushing away tears. I watch him do what Georges own father couldn't do.

Sapnap takes my by the arm, and leads down the hallway, away from the scene before me. He directs us to our own dorm, closing the door behind him. It feels like an awful attempt at trying to shut it all out.

Then I stand. That's all I'm able to do. I stand there, facing Sapnaps worried face, my own body feeling numb. Is this my breaking point, I ask myself?

Is this where I realize that I can't do this? That I'll never be able to do this, no matter how much I try?

This is where I realize that I'm just a seventeen year old boy, and nothing more then that. I can't fix this, I can endure it, I can live through it, but I can't fix it.

And then it hits me, like a truck, like a weight load of bricks. That this is real, this isn't just something that I've been thinking about inside of my head. George is getting married, George is not going to be able to stay here, George is going to leave and there is nothing at all that I can do about it.

Everything, everything, everything I've been repressing over the last few months comes rushing to me, and it feels like someone's pouring cold water down my back, like someone has just punched me in the gut.

It's real, I think. All of it's real, what have you been thinking? You won't be able to deal with this once he's gone. This is going to kill you.

I stand, and I cry. I stand and cry as the weight of the world before me comes crashing down all in a minutes time. I do not shout, or scream, or howl like George did just moments ago. I stand and silently cry, unable to do any more, too tired to do anything more.

Sapnap, who's still stood in front of me waiting for me to say something, takes a step forward and then, reluctantly, wraps his arms around me.

I don't know how long we stand like that for. Too long. Until my knees eventually become too much for me to carry, and Sapnap slowly lowers me to the floor beside his bed, where he sits with me.

This is too dramatic, I think. How dramatic will I be once he goes? How awful will I be when I have to give him up and live without him here?

"Breathe, Dream" Sapnap says, his arm still wrapped around me. My head is laid on his shoulder, defeated. "You keep forgetting to breathe."

So this is my breaking point, I think. I'm unable to answer Sapnap, afraid to talk. I don't know why. That means it can only get better from here on out, right? It cant get any worse, at least it can't get worse.