Our Lives Beyond Us

If only you knew

Dreams and dreams of late night drives have became a reality....but not with her, instead with Josh. It was the day after me and Kacey linked and Josh decided to surprise me late at night with him picking me up in his friends car.

  He texted me he was outside and I went. As usual my mother wasn't home and wouldn't be home for a while.

    As I got in the car he told me, "hey" and I did the same. I didn't know where we were going, but I didn't really care, because I like late night drives and he knew. It was too quiet, so I broke the unnecessary ice that was holding us back from having a normal conversation. I asked where were we going, and he simply responded "you'll see". He put his hand on my thigh and I felt that same bottled up guilt,.....but also butterflies.

   It was only him that made me have nothing to say. For once when I thought I could talk for hours with anyone, it was him who showed me that was a lie. When we reached a parking lot that had a park in front of us, he told me to wait in the car, for the only car out there besides ours was this black small Honda civic.

   I knew what his job was and he finally stopped hiding it. I'm happy he trusted me enough. Selling weed is not really the right way to make money, but he made money and I respected that. When he got back in the car he sighed, and I don't know why I did what I did next, but I did.

   I gave him a hug and somehow that hug turned into a kiss, and somehow that kiss turned into me getting on top of his lap from the passengers seat to the drivers' seat. His hands were nice and warm, with one of them on my lower back and the other on my chin. I accidentally hit the horn on the driving weel and I jolted up. He pulled me back close by my waist and focused my lips back on his.

   He ended up pushing me to the back and laying me down softly on the backseat leather cushions, kissing me more and more. I wanted to cry, but at the same time I was too focused on what was happening on the outside of me instead of the inside.

   He reached downwards to slide off the very short shorts I had on. His touch made me shake. He started taking off the gray joggers that he had on, and I knew I had to find a way to get out of there.

    I checked the time it was on the car radio, and then lied about me having to be home by a certain time. He told me what a shame and that maybe next time it will be different, and I responded " yea". He took me home, and throughout the ride it was quiet, besides the music he played. He had his hand on my thigh, but this time it was going up and down and closer and closer to my vagina.

   When we made it to my house I relaxed. I got out the car and he told me to wait. I wanted to go to my fucking room and think about all the shit that I just let happen to me, but I stayed. He got out his car and came to hug me and then kiss me before I went inside. I smiled and said goodnight, and held my tears in to cry.

   When I got to my room I checked my phone, and from 2 hours ago there was a text from Kacey asking me what I was doing, and others more telling me she loved me and goodnight. I started crying. Tears ran down my face and felt like burning acid. The pain of the acid hitting my face did not hurt at all compared to the way I was feeling inside. Why did I have to make things so hard for myself again?

I hated myself. If only she knew.