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SECOND OPTION

Lately things have been complicated between me and my boyfriend.

He's doing everything he can to ignore me, using work as his main excuse. In the morning when I wake up, his bedside is cold and empty because he has already left the house with the excuse of going to gym before a full day of meetings. And at night when I go to bed he still hasn't come, so I leave him a plate of dinner in the microwave that he probably won't want to eat when he gets home. And I don't even notice he comes home at night because I'm already on my second sleep.

All this distance between us happened after a big argument, probably the biggest argument we've ever had.

The argument was because I forgot we had a date on our anniversary because my best friend called me in the middle of a panic attack, crying, and I obviously had to go to him for help. To make things even better, that night my cell phone ran out of battery and I couldn't send a message to my bf to let him know that I wouldn't be able to make it to dinner.

That night when I got home at three AM my bf was pissed, I've never seen his gaze with so many negative emotions directed at me. I tried to explain to him what had happened, but he wouldn't even let me speak, he screamed, punched the wall, broke the vase of flowers he had bought for me and left. He left without telling me where he was going, with whom or when he would get back.

That night I didn't sleep at all for fear that something would happen to him, but at the same time a rage against him was awakening in me because I couldn't understand his reaction. Okay that wasn't my best moment as a girlfriend, but it wasn't anything special either, my best friend needed help, and the truth is that we can celebrate our anniversary any other day.

Since that night that we are in this situation, it has been three months. Three months of living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, but not exchanging more than three sentences with each other.

I know I should be the bigger person and take the initiative to try to talk to him and apologize, however my pride won't let me because I know I didn't do anything wrong and I can't understand where this jealousy is coming from, my best friend really needed my help...

But tonight's different, it's already two in the morning, but I can't sleep, I'm tossing and turning in bed until I hear the front door open, and I know he's arrived. I know now was the perfect time to talk to him and try to work things out, but to be honest this whole situation is exhausting me so I pretend I'm sleeping to avoid talking to him.

He enters the room silently, I feel him heading towards the bathroom and then he lies down next to me, without ever touching me.

After 15 minutes of pure silence, I think he has already fallen asleep when I am surprised by his voice "I know you're awake"

I turn to him and for the first time in a long time we look into each other's eyes.

ME: "I can't fall asleep"

He doesn't say anything for a few seconds, and I fail to say something too but when I get up the courage to speak up and apologize he says something that breaks my heart.

BF: "I think we should break up"

Me: "What?" tears threaten to fall

BF: "I can't deal with this situation anymore" he says

ME: "I know we've been ignoring each other these past few months, but I know we can work it out. I'm so sorry that day, I never meant to hurt you, and..."

He interrupts me. "What I can't stand is not the distance between us lately, it's not being the first option..."

And for a moment I don't quite understand what he means, but all of a sudden, it's like a lightbulb lights up in my head and thousands of memories appear in front of me:

*my bf's look when his dad didn't show up to see his final high school football game because of work*

*the day he knocked on my bedroom window at two in the morning asking if he could sleep at my house because his mother had thrown him out when he argued with her abusive boyfriend*

*his look of disappointment when his boss announced that his colleague was being promoted at the company party, when days before he had told him he was the best candidate for the job*

And it was at that moment that I realized: his reaction was not due to jealousy but insecurity. All his life he was a second choice to those in his life.

Oh my god how stupid I am, how did I not notice? How did I do exactly what I hated everyone else doing to him?

I must have been silent a lot longer than I thought because he coughed to call me to reality and when I looked at him I realized that he interpreted my silence in a totally wrong way and he started to get up from the bed to leave.

But not this time, this time I'm not going to let him feel like he's a second-best, because he definitely isn't.

I grab his wrist and pull him so he doesn't get up.

ME: "I'm really sorry"

BF: "It doesn't matter, I'm used to it" and this sentence breaks my heart.

ME: "you are my first and only option" and he looks at me with a doubtful look "now I understand your reaction that day and I apologize a lot baby, at the time I didn't think how that attitude of mine would hurt you. When I went to help my best friend, it was never a decision between choosing him or you. I didn't know what was happening to him and then things got out of hand. But I swear I didn't mean to hurt you" I say all at once without breathing, and when I look at him I see a tear running down his cheek as he avoids my gaze.

I gently hold his chin for him to look at me and assure him "Love you are IT for me, you are everything I need and everything I want, actually that night was not a big thing for me because I like to think that t we celebrate our love for each other every day, you always make me feel special and loved and I never want it to end. Please accept my apologies and I promise I will do everything I can to make it up to you."

And without saying anything else I lean towards him and kiss him, at first I do it gently because I'm not sure if he's going to reject me or not, but when he doesn't I deepened the kiss, the lips I've been missing so much for the last few months, and in that moment I know now is the right time to do what I had planned to do at the dinner where all this mess started.

So when we pulled away to breathe, I go to the bedside table and I take out the little velvet box that I've kept as if it were my greatest treasure. When I look back at him, I see that he has a curious and at the same time doubtful look.

"I know this is not the most perfect time to do what I want to do, but I have to take advantage of the courage and adrenaline I have right now to do this" I pause in suspense and here it goes... "you are the man of my life, I know this from the moment I met you, I know that I want you by my side forever, and I want you to know that for me you are and will always be the number one priority in my life, so BF/N you want to make me the happiest woman in the universe, that is, will you marry me?" and I hand him the small velvet box with the simple gold necklace with only one pendant with my initial.

He's shocked! "I should be the one asking that question" he says "but of course, of course I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and without saying anything else I take the necklace out of the box and put it around his neck. "I love you" we say at the same time smiling and then we spend the rest of the night in each other's arms making up for the lonely moments we experienced in the last three months.