My younger self would be disappointed in me. Wondering why I didn't try hard enough, or why I couldn't make it. She probably wouldn't even recognize me. It's sad when you think about it, but what am I supposed to do. No one warned me about the hard part of life. I had the rest of my life mapped out, and now I can't even recognize myself. I feel as if I'm another person, I look different, act differently, even talk different. I guess that's what life does. I use to think life was full of butterflies, it's what gave me hope. Now all I see is the ceiling when I'm staring at it in bed. I can't see my self after the age of 17. Is that bad, I wonder. Probably. What can I do. Maybe it will be a fast and easy process. Just die. It's way more than that. I can't leave my mother, she wouldn't be able to keep going if I died. At least that's what she says. She would be able to. Just like my friends would, like my brother would. It would be just an obstacle to get over that eventually everyone will get over and forget about. I would be left in the past. I can't imagine life without my mom though. She's the only person that even remotely gets me. Even if she doesn't know everything she still understands. I can't think about the past, is what I have to tell myself to keep on going. To get through my day. My therapist thinks she knows everything, but I don't even tell her half of what I feel, or what I know. If I did, I would probably be sent to a mental hospital. I can't disappoint my mother. She expects me to be the best. To get goods grades, keep a clean room, look after myself, keep up good hygiene. I do all of that, for her. At the beginning of this year I was different. Bubbly, happy, and knew what i was going to do in life. Where did I go? Where did she go? How do I keep on going if I have nothing to hold on to. I'm on my second heart break of the year. It kinda sucks. I get it though. Who would want a broken, piece of trash that knows nothing, except for math. I hope you laughed at that. I didn't but maybe it helped you smile, probably not. It's fine. I don't get guys. They will talk to you, get your hopes up, then absolutely crush you. Like you never existed they will keep living, but you will stay stuck on them. Not being able to stop thinking about him, how he made you feel, the conversations you had with him, the little feeling in the bottom of your stomach when he would text you back, then you realize they never felt the same. It was all an illusion of what it could have been like if you were prettier, skinny, had brown hair, athletic, smiled more, wore makeup up and crop tops. Everything your not. I'm tired. Tired of waking up and realizing this day is just another one, like it was yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, so on. Maybe I need to change, become more like them. Be pretty. I can't. Every day I cry thinking I'm not enough, why can't I be enough for him? It was all an illusion. Tomorrow I'll wake up, and be okay. Or sk I thought.
