There was once a song that I heard and is was titled 'Hurt'
We've all hurt before, but reasons differ each time, this hurt is different than what I've felt before. I can feel it in the pit of my stomach to the tip of my tongue, my heart aches and longs for the end.
Each day is different, one day the pain subsides and the much needed breath consumes my lungs allowing it to breathe freely. It fills every crevice, every hidden nook and cranny until I can not take anymore air in.
The next day the chains from the depths of hell clench and tighten around my lungs until my breathing is labored, fast, and loud.
Hyperventilating on the cold bathroom floor, my throat tightening so much that it burns, then it begins, hoping no one walks in as the tears fall and the darkness consumes me. The black is the only thing I see.
The bell sounds and continues to ring in my head, my body already knows where to go. It begins to work like a machine, laugh at jokes friends make, take neat notes, mindlessly do assignments, make conversation.
I watch myself work, each time it feels like an out of body experience, I can see myself, I want to talk and get help but no words come out.
I bite my tongue and hope no one sees, that no one notices the red in my eyes or the hurt in my voice or the fake smile that I have managed to perfect over the years.
"I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real"
As I lay in my bed, I stare at the ceiling, I imagine the darkness consuming me. What ifs float around in the endless black abyss:
'What if you stay'
'What if you sit and breathe'
'What if you lay down and rest here'
'What if you let the pain consume you'
'What if this is the only thing that you will ever feel'.
I let the thoughts consume me, sweeping me off my feet.
I feel heavy.
There must be metal in my lungs, lead in my stomach, iron in my heart, silver in my guts.
I feel cold.
I feel the pain and it brings me back, I know I will regret it in the morning but for now I am happy that I am no longer falling into the black abyss.
This and this alone, this is hurt.
