Out of Sequence

4: Overthinker

TW: anxiety

It seemed like every time I was in town, he was the only person I could think about. This was especially true after a breakup or after any date with any man. I'd always compare them to him because he'd become my standard. My male ideology of what perfection might seem like. Of course I knew everyone had flaws, I'd been alive and human enough to know how real humans can be. I was flawed as well, of course we all are. But he was more in alignment with me than anyone else I'd ever met.

And now my sister was dating a man named Derek as well, I wondered if it was fate. Both of us dating men with the same name. Why were Derek's so hot all of a sudden, it seemed unfair for the rest of the population of men.

I wondered if the real reason I was so interested in my Derek was because I felt behind in life now that my younger sister had an ideal boyfriend and I didn't. The men I'd dated fell very short of ideal and were usually out of convenience.

I was in a relationship for six months after that wedding. However, it wasn't long after I realized that that guy and I had values that didn't align.

He smoked. I didn't.

He wasn't religious. I was.

I never found his humor funny, and I believe a matching sense of humor was something that was absolutely necessary for a relationship to survive. Aside from those three, he displayed a lot of qualities that showed me that we weren't compatible emotionally. And that's okay.

The only thing he had to offer was that he was cute, the good type of clingy, and tall. And of course, that's not enough to allow any relationship to make it— especially when our core values could never align and I wasn't looking for something fun and shallow. I felt like I only ever dated him to live out my "bad boy" fantasies because I'd read so many Wattpad books about it. But the real thing is purely sexual and in real life, a 'bad boy' is a crappy human being who doesn't know what he wants. In short, he was 'for the streets.'

I realized that I could do so much better than the man I had been with. I knew better existed because Derek was the definition of what I was searching for.

And my sister now had a Derek of her own, so why not try to shoot my shot and finally figure out if I liked him or not.

It had been seven grueling years of this back and forth fantasy love story that I lived in and I felt completely shocked that I still liked a man I hardly knew. I wanted to meet up and finally demolish this fantasy by learning the reality of who Derek was.

Perhaps it was the fact that he was now so unattainable. I'd built him up so much in my mind that he was deemed perfection to me and I just needed to spend a little time with him and hopefully realize that he isn't what I want.

He was always kind, generous, friendly, and genuinely mature beyond his years. His culture, values, religion, and humor all aligned perfectly with mine. The only thing lacking was probably his interest in me.

It was Wednesday night, around six in the afternoon I found myself staring at a blank screen. He hasn't texted and I wondered if he actually was going to "definitely" let me know that he needed a ride or not. I wondered if I should've phrased it differently.

This was it. I was tired of waiting when I knew he didn't care and maybe hadn't given it much thought.

I'd need to check with him in that case. I felt like I was putting in too much effort for nothing. I wondered if he'd forgotten.

But then again, we came from a culture where you pretty much had to beg the other individual to allow you to do a favor for them. I groaned, I guess I'd have to ask what was up.

If he accepts my offer, then his whole family will know— they might call him on our ride, not that they'd be upset or anything, maybe surprised since we were never really friends. I would just look desperate and strange.

But I knew I needed to do this for myself. I either needed to get over these feelings, which I tried and failed at every time. Or I needed to admit my feelings and be rejected. Those were my only options.

If he declines, then I'd feel awful because my offer was probably one of the best I could fathom without straight up telling him, "hey I have had feelings for you since the day I met you."

I pursed my lips, the anxiety stuffing me like a Thanksgiving turkey. However, I needed to know what my plans would be for tomorrow and he'd taken way too long to respond.

Me: hey! What's the plan?

I typed out the message with shaking fingers. No, I wasn't about to chase someone to offer them a ride. I wasn't about to allow my pride to fall that low.

I took a deep breath, frowning. Either he was oblivious or he really didn't care to ride with me. I'd waited too long and it was now too late. I erased everything I wrote and decided to let it be. Regardless of how obsessed I was with this man, I wasn't going to chase him.

And that was the last time I heard from or saw Derek within the next two years. That is, until he decided to complicate my life.