west side, ashtray; season one

17

valerie

i decided to go home, i couldn't think straight with all these feelings and emotions, i needed to calm myself down somehow.

surely ash didn't like me, hes... him and im me. he wouldn't like someone like me, we're complete opposites. although that didn't matter it felt wrong, on both sides.

well that's what i thought and deep down i was praying i was wrong. something between us was there but i couldn't put my finger on it. the feelings he gave me, i have never felt it before. i liked ash yeah but did i i love him? im not sure and currently being near ash made me even more unsure.

he's becoming the only thing i would think about. and some days he wouldn't talk to me but other days our conversations would be filled with excitement and genuine affection which made me feel good and i know he felt the same but he was always hesitant which made me drop the idea of us together.

this shit made my head spin for days on end. it felt like a murder case and i was trying to find out the murder. the more he talked to me the more i wanted to distance myself. i didn't want to get attached to someone who didn't like me back. but maybe he did?

fuck this was confusing.

ashtray

was i falling for val?

im not sure. maybe?

she left abruptly when she was at my house, she hasn't really talked to me in a while since then but i couldn't blame her, everything that happened must've affected her in some way. i didn't want to seem obsessed so i kept my distance although she was the only thing on my mind, all i wanted to do was talk to her, hold her and just be next to her.

feeling like this made me happier? freer? i wanted fez to know because i needed help showing it.

to her.

and i wasn't the best with communicating with people in a friendly manner and expressing my thoughts and feelings.

everyone saw me as.. well me, a drug dealer.
everyone kept their space from me except when they knew i had drugs. i know it was my business and all but no one ever stopped to check on me. unlike val, she made sure to ask every time and never forcing me to tell her. she was very patient with me when i was talking. i was scared i would say the wrong stuff so i always stopped to think about what i said first.

but i liked being alone because i've never been to anyone and i never bothered to be with anyone, i pushed everyone out because i was scared. scared for how they would treat me and how i would affect them with my lifestyle.

i've realised that i truly cared for val and i didnt want that on her but i didn't want to leave her just like that.

i felt something between us.

--

these past few days have been rough. val hasn't showed up to the shop in a couple of days and i haven't left the freezer for anything except leaving to go home after long days of nothing. fez noticed which just made it worse.

he would start to talk about valerie, thinking that it would make me feel better which would've if she hasn't been ignoring me.