Sour Diesel // z.m

Chapter 10

"How are you feeling?"

My eyes were focused on the hands folded on my lap as the therapist spoke. The doctor suggested I should to therapy sessions after everything that happened, but I was not in the mood for it today.  

Talking about my feelings is just not my style. 

"Are you sleeping okay? The doctor informed me that you have had nightmares, screaming Zayn's name in horror," she went on and I let out a shaky breath as I flickered my eyes out the window. The weather is cloudy, and the trees are slowly moving with the wind. 

"I'm not in the mood for this," I mumbled and looked over at her, seeing her pushing her glasses up on the bridge of her nose, writing something down on her notebook that was placed on her lap. 

"And why is that?" she pushed and looked up at me through her glasses. "You have been through a lot these past couple of days and I'm pretty sure that you have a lot on your mind," she said and I scoffed. 

"Yeah, sure," I said sarcastically and looked away from her, rolling my eyes in the process.  

"I have been talking to a lot of people, that have been through a similar situation like you. I suggest you tell me what you're thinking and then we can find a way to make you cope with it," she said and I started to laugh. 

"Cope with it?" I laughed and shook my head with a smile. 

"You know what I want?" I asked her and she looked at me, letting me continue. "I want to forget all of this, everything. I want to forget that night that I met him, I want to forget everyone that I have met during this. I want to forget Louis, I want to forget Harry, I want to forget Chuck, but most of all I want to forget Zayn," I stuttered and sniffled slightly. 

"But that's not possible if you guys don't know how to brainwash me or something. I just want out of this fucking hospital or whatever this is. The mafia shit is crazy and I never imagined it would come to this level. I was just looking for a one-night stand when I met him. Not a Mexico trip that made me fucking lose my mind and get myself shot. Zayn flipped out on me on the plane back home. One second he is very nice, and one second he is so cruel. Of course I'm not seeing us as a couple or anything, far from it. But he seemed to really care about me for such a short amount of time of us knowing each other. I have never felt that before, besides with Benny. I can't fucking walk on my own for a few months, have to be trapped in this hospital. The only thing that is making me smile is Benny coming over to visit. But what about him? What about Zayn?" 

My voice cracked at the end and I felt my eyes well up with tears, so much has happened just in a short amount of time. I don't know why, but it is something special about Zayn. Just something about him, you just know when you meet that type of person. Even though he has a bad side, he also has a good side. 

"Do you think the purpose of Zayn's outburst might be because he cares about you?"

I let out a laugh, an amused laugh at her statement. "Cares about me? How? He is so up and down that I don't even know if he likes me. I mean, we have had sex a few times. We can have sex without any meaning. Who says it needs to have meaning? Who says anything has to have meaning?" 

My whole body was numb, I was numb. I felt empty, I felt so fucking lonely right now. "Do you have any alcohol?" I breathed out and she shook her head. 

"Alcohol is not the solution right now," she told me before she started to write in her notebook. 

"Are you writing that I'm crazy? That I need some serious medication to help me cope through the day?" I asked her harshly, but I didn't get anything in response. All I want right now, is lie in bed and cry.