Life's Unexpected Intricacies

Kyle

I usually hear people complain about how they're barely living- either that or they're living, but not alive. I consider "barely living" to be when you're continuously checking to see if the person you love is still breathing or if they're bleeding out on the bathroom floor ... because the people you love are a huge factor of what makes life worth living ... at least for me it is when it's my younger brother who's usually on the verge of dying. The fact that I can't save him tears me up inside while I deal with my other brother slowly slipping away. He handles Cody's suicide attempts much worse than I do. Day after day he's angrier and angrier... hah, I'm usually the angry one, but since I'm the oldest, I have to be the person to lean on, the strong one, the steady one, the stable one... but at night when I'm alone, I'm left with the endless thoughts, the endless screams from Nathan who lets out his anger by throwing things, the endless cries from my mother who had no clue Cody's suicidal, and the endless unsure consoling towards my mom from my dad who always seems to be hiding something. Damn I wish these walls were thicker. I wish my brain would shut the fuck up... it keeps blaming me for what happened... it keeps saying "If you would've talked to him," "If you would've told somebody," "if you would've..."-

Crash...

Glass shatters beyond the wall. "FUCK!!" Nathan's voice cracks,"My son..." my mom's cry is muffled across the hall; dad's probably holding her.

Shhhh...

"It's going to be okay sweetie, our little Cody will be alright..." dad mumbles.

I wish he'd stop lying. Cody's not going to be okay. If he lives through this, he'll go back to the way he is... nothing's gonna change... except one thing. I'm not gonna allow him to hurt us or himself ever again. There might not be much I can do, but I can't just sit back and let both of my brothers slip out of my grasp. Just then, my door cracks open.

"Kyle sweetie?" my mom's nose is stuffy from all the crying,

"Yeah mom?"

"You wanna go see your brother with me? Nathan's not in the right state of mind to go, so your father's gonna stay home with him,"

and make sure he's not next, I finish.

"Of course, I'll be ready in 5,"

"Okay, I'll be waiting in the car," she closes the door, waits a few seconds, and then walks off.

***

I hate hospitals.

But this isn't about me.

In the waiting room, there were a crap load of old people, one legless guy, two children, a baby who also wouldn't shut the hell up, a sophisticated looking blonde, and a short thick Asian with her mom. She looks epic... I'd talk to her if there wasn't so much tension between her and her mom. I could feel it miles away. A few minutes later, her mom was called over by a doctor to discuss... who knows what. I didn't really care. The Asian chick looked up at me, and I looked back. Her eyes were amber and full of sadness, but still less sadness than Cody's. I glance at mom; it's like she's not even here. She's somewhere else... hopefully it's somewhere happy.

"Are you alright?" I asked the Asian girl. We're in a hospital, of course she's not alright, I scold myself.

"Could be better," she sighs with a halfhearted smile.

"Seems like you and mom aren't on good terms right now," I point out. She glances over at her mom and looks down. "She's just upset because of something I did... long story... but are you alright?"

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Am I alright". I never even asked myself that question before.

"It would be cruel of me to say that I am,"

"What's going on? Oh... if you don't... mind me asking that is,"

"Suicide attempt," my voice darkens as I look away, "my brother..."

The Asian jumped out of her chair and hugged me tight. "I'm so sorry,"

I haven't been hugged like this in a while. She's super short so my head rested against her chest, her grip was so tight, as if she was trying to hold me together, so why did her hug make me want to fall apart? I hugged her back tight as my body shuddered from holding in tears. She rested her hand on the side of my face holding me closer, physically condoning me to cry, as if I would.

"I'm- I'm sorry... I know that was the wrong thing to say... from a personal experience of mine," the vibration of her voice soothed the urge to cry away.

"No, it's fine... no one truly knows what to say in situations like these," I respond while looking up at her face. She looks genuinely concerned about me... or maybe she's just a good actress. She glances away into a sea of memories, and I know she's not acting when she says, "I lost a friend that way."

"My condolences," I kiss her hand. She smiles, and I could've sworn she blushed. Another nurse came into the waiting room.

"Jackson family, you can come see your son now," she said. I looked up at the Asian-

"What's your name?" I'm getting tired of referring to her as "the Asian" in my mind.

"You can call me Daisy, and yours is?"

"You can call me Tulip," I joke. She giggled. I stand up and hand her one of my business cards from back when I used to sing and play drums for people's parties. "Name's Kyle," I smile.

She smiles, accepts my card, and sits down before her mom notices she was talking to me. I snap my mom out of her world as we head into Cody's.

I hold my mom's hand as we walk down the hallway... it smells horrible. It smells like sick people, contained death, old people, sweaty lard rolls, slimy feet, and just about every other horrible smelling thing that could pop into my mind right now. The nurse leads us to a small hospital room with one bed, a small TV, a tray full of food that appears to be unappetizing, four empty juice boxes, and one balled up tissue.

"Cody sweetie, you have visitors," the nurse said using her "I have to pretend to be happy or I'll get fired" voice. She peeked around the curtain to make sure he was alright, but when she looked back at us, she had an "I'm really going to get fired" face going on.

"W-what's the problem?" mom stuttered.

I ripped the curtain back to reveal that Cody was gone... he ran away from the hospital...