Life's Unexpected Intricacies

Nathan

Fuck this. Fuck that. Fuck everything. Just... fuck everything. I toss another glass against the wall while I internally scold myself for making so much noise. Kyle deserves all the rest he can get even though I know he can't sleep listening to mom sob like this. I haven't heard her sob since my cousin Danny died. Death. Goddamn you, fool. I swear if you take my brother I'll destroy you, Death.

"FUCK"

I scream at nothing in particular considering life isn't listening. It's been centuries since I've been alive; it must've forgotten me like everyone else. I'm starting to sound like Cody. He'd probably think I'm depressed. He'd probably think he's causing my depression. He'd probably think my anger is towards him. He'd probably think I envy him... he's partially right about that. I do to an extent, because when will it be my turn to die? He'd probably tell me that it seems like I'm already dead, and once again he'd be right. I am dead and he's the one who killed me. All of the life slowly drained out of me like his blood pooling around him in the bathtub. The thought of seeing that makes me shake. The way he looked at me before unconsciousness hit. Every unspoken word rested in his eyes. The heartbreaking guilt, the flash of fear, the hope for forgiveness... the hint of "I'm sorry", and then there it was. The lifelessness I had never noticed. The lifelessness I never saw until right before he closed his eyes. The lifelessness I have inside of me as well. How did I not see it in him? I knew he was sad every once in a while, but lifeless? Cody? There was nothing but life in his laughter, the way he danced, the way he would always bake pies once a month, the way he painted— creating something from nothing—, the way he fed stray animals, the way he was. There was an occasional sadness in his smile, but hey, you can't be happy all the time... I know that out of all people. Damn. I stared down at my hands; they've been clenched in fists for a while. Losing him... day by day... not only drains the life from me, it drains the existence from me. Everyone's worried about him, which isn't wrong, I'm worried as well, but my family is worried about him to the point where nothing else matters. No one else is there. Their world is the population of a sporadically fading one. Cody wouldn't want things to be like this... he'd want us to be happy, but please explain to me how that's even possible in a situation like this. He can't. He just can't. His mindset doesn't allow him to explain things like that while still making sense. I scream again. I can't think of anything else helpful to do. I sling all of my shit off of the dresser. Fuck that shit. It's all useless, pointless, and just fucking worthless. I finally fall to the ground myself since I am also those three things. Why am I still alive? I whisper. I wouldn't want anyone to hear me sound like this. I sound pathetic, hopeless, and just sad. If mom found out how I felt it would break her, and having a broken mother is one of the worst pains to bear with...