Denied Love

Chapter 5

He tilted his head, confused. Then he nodded, giving me the green light to go on. When I blurted the words out of my mouth I hadn't fully thought through what I would say afterwards. I couldn't just say "Hey, I like you. Let's go out." I needed to "build up" to it or at least give him signs because I couldn't be the only one trying. I put too much unnecessary thought into it. Besides, we were in public. I'd rather be embarrassed in the comfort of an empty room than one filled with people.

"Wait. Can we go somewhere more private?" I hesitated, scared he would think I was weird. Suddenly, he grasped my hand and took us outside, away from the claustrophobic area, after taking our belongings on the way out. I took a deep breath in, inhaling the fresh morning air that hit my nose.

"Would you rather go to my house? It doesn't get more private than that," I laughed at his horrible attempt at a joke, then saw the seriousness on his face and played it off as an awkward cough.

"Yes. Let's go."

***

Entering his room, I replayed the events that took place here many weeks ago, the thought bringing my knees to a point where they felt like they were about to snap. I didn't enjoy feeling so weak and delicate, especially since I'd spent so many years practising not to be. But I promised myself I would leave it all in the past, even if it hurt me to do so. I already forgave Mattia so it was too late to reconsider. It was stupid of me to be thinking like this, I was about to ask this man out for fuck's sake.

Hesitantly, I sat on his gaming chair, leaning into it and taking in the soft cushioning. He sat opposite me, on his bed. I took my time admiring his room. It was simple but homey, the ones you would see in every coming-to-age movie. There were grey accents everywhere; the bed, the walls, the tables. Simple was an understatement, it was just plain boring. There were no pictures on the walls except for a small collage of him and his family. Yes. I decided, his room was dull.

I stopped looking around and, instead, lowered my gaze to my fingers, which had now intertwined themselves. I didn't want to appear nervous but my fingers twiddling together probably gave it away.

He cleared his throat, almost like he was trying to clear the awkwardness that had settled in the air. Luckily, it brought me back to my senses, brought me back to the reason I'd even come here, the thought making my stomach queasy. I opened my mouth to say something, then, I realised nothing came out. Now it was my turn to clear my throat as I prepared myself.

"So, I wanted to get something off my chest, something I've been meaning to tell you." The truth was I had nothing to tell him, well, nothing that was actually truthful. He rubbed his hands on his legs. Guess I wasn't the only one who was nervous. To be fair, I brought him all the way here without an explanation. I would be nervous as well, but I'm assuming it was due to the anticipation, not the 'romantic' feelings.

"I like you." I internally cringed. I wanted to flinch at my own words but it seems like he did it for me. My eyes were closed, too embarrassed to see the look on his face. Surprisingly, the face that greeted me when I opened them was nothing less than magnificent. He stared at me with so much care that my legs would've caved hadn't I been sitting down. He opened his mouth and inched closer to me.

"I like you too." I did it. I captured the heart of one of the sexiest boys at school. I took his, but I didn't intend on giving him mine in return and I hoped to keep it that way, for I didn't see a future with him. A happy one. There's no need for my heart to break along the way.

But guilt crawled all over my body, reaching the ends of my toes and making me shudder. I didn't capture anything, I deceived him and was going to lead him on. I hated it, almost as much as I hated the thoughts that lingered in the back of my head, telling me over and over again that I was with the wrong boy. That there was someone else waiting for me.