It all started off so innocently for me and my daughter. We just wanted to settle down under the sun and have ourselves a nice picnic. Unfortunately that's not what happend. You see when I was a young lad I spent my days raking leaves. But now, but only now did I have the strength to overcome my fears. If I get myself another rake what would two fine new rakes make? I need that girl. I need to make her like a nice souffle by Bobby Ray and cook it nice in the oven. I'll add soy sauce after just for extra measure and add some nice butter. Then we'll see who the real fool of the town really is. I look above me, hands out wide at the blue sky at O'hares blimp. Bob Ewell rifle in hand shooting down on us. It was like God's precious gift. I open my eyes wide, tears welling up spilling down. I only have three seconds left to breathe. One chance. One life. Do I spend it or do I count it twice? Oh bright eyes my dear Maymui. My sweet hot pie. Come down and save me my dear lord. "Uh- Atticus? Uh, are you gonna eat your sandwich or are you gonna keep reaching for the sky and crying," asks my daughter. "Pardon my french dad but you're a huge weirdo," Jem mutters blasting MCR in his headphones. "Well pardon my french Jem but you just earned yourself 3 years of time out time I hope you have blast making out with that corner because that's about where your heading now you better make like two shakes of a rattlesnake's tail before I slap the crap outta ya," I proclaim. "Sustainer of Heavenly Principals you better watch that attitude as well young lady! Don't make me go buy ya a new one you know were broke as hell right now,''''yes father," says the Sustainer Of Heavenly Principales. Now back to my thoughts. I look over at my dear Zhongli. He's all tied up of course to my cart as he should. I wonder how long it'll take before he tries to cast another spell on me. Man that boy really has a way with words. I remember my rake the way I used to sweep leaves off the floor just like I sweep my men and women off their feet. Now, If I could just have 3 more minutes. "He's doing it again!" whined Jem. "That's it I'm out, XD Rawr," he says leaving. "Aye! you come back here right now young man!" I called. "Oh and what are you gonna do about it old man?" "Is that a challenge?" "We'll if that's how it's gonna be!" Jem says taking off his MCR t-shirt. "Alright I didn't raise you to be the next Hot Topic poster boy now I was raised to be a well put together young man but now I see when times are at their lowest just the kind of guy you really are my sweet, sweet, Jem," just then I had a heart attack. I watched as the Ferid copter came crashing down onto me like a tidal wave. The only thing that could describe this heated moment was romance. Ferid Bathory came crashing down with his bros. All dressed up in white. How fancy. How daring I think to myself. I want to be like Ferid Bathory. Oh how I longed for that silver hair and em blood red eyes. Those thigh high boots and razor sharp nails. Cutting edge. The new trend of the century! Why does everyone oughta know of this! "Take them away!" I hear Ferid Bathory say. I bow before him. "Oh, please do senpai uwu" "what the actual hell?" asks some blond kid with a sword. "Ferid, jee whiz! Stop undressing me with those eyes," I say. "Who the hell are you blood bag? Oh!" I watch as he snaps his fingers. "You're that one guy named Atticus right? The one with that daughter!" "That would be me, and this here is my incompetent son and my shitty excsue for a daughter," I say gesturing towards them. "Ah, I see!" Ferid replies. "We'll! I'm not sure what else there is for me to do now. The goal here was to crash your little family picnic and I think we achieved that. Come my dear Mikaela, let's be on our way. Lacus and Rene, we'll leave you here,''What?!" Asks Lacus. "Well jeeper creepers! Would you fine fellas like some bread sticks?" "Let's go, Lacus," "good idea," Rene replies as I watch they both ride off in the sunset. "How about you Zhongli? Tea or crumpets?" "Some tea would be nice. But how can I drink it tied to this thing?" "Who said anything about you drinking it?" I ask. I walk over to him and start drinking the tea right in his face. "Atticus what the crap load?" Zhongli says getting mad. "Oh my, I forgot to get a napkin," I say. "You know Ferid and Mika did the tango the other night?" "They did, did they?" "yep," Zhongli says. "Well that's a cute idea but I got myself a better one. Bob Ewell get your booty over here right now!" My royal servant and assasanier comes with his loaded rifle. I showed him a pic of Ferid. "You see his man? You see him? We'll not look too much because he's mine but I also want you to shoot him down for cheating on me," I tell him. "But you guys weren't together to begin with?" "NO ONE STEALS MY FERID-CHAN!" "YES SIR!" Bob says quickly and runs off. In the sunset. Wow how much my men have grown I cry. I begin to think about how I can eat Bob. His flesh in my teeth and the nice crunch of his bone marrow. I snapped out of my trance when I saw Zhongli trying to escape. "GET HIM!" I cry. I watch as he rides off into the sunset. That same old sunset that excites me more than anything else in the world. "Hey uh- dad?" "WHAT JEM?! DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?!" "Yeah." "YOUR SUPPOSED TO SAY NO YOU-" Just then I saw someone beating up Bob. "DANG YOU BOB!!" I heard someone say. "I'm not gonna stop until I've beat Boo Boo Radley!" Shots Bob with a hammer. "I can't wait to test this mallet's limits!". Just then the Ferid Mobile came crashing down. Ferid, Lacus, and Rene hopped out wearing helicopter outfits from the Drug In Me Is You music video. "Why am I here?" Asks Mika coming out of the copter. "Because! Who doesn't like to party?!" Asks Ferid. "Now, what do we do now?" Asks Rene. "This is stupid," Mika says. "We'll Mika, maybe it's time for you to loosen up!" Just then they look over at Boo Boo who's beating up Bob with a mallet still. "I'm confused like two shakes of a rattlesnake," says Atticus reading his book on how to Wow women. "Hey, I have a request!" Ferid approached me. "Can't ya see I'm tryna read? Show respect for your elders,''''Can you please go to the nearby store and fetch some biscuits for the party?" "Sure thing my love," I say, setting down my book. I walk to the nearest Target and scan the isle. I look HIGH and LOW I look SIDE to SIDE but nowhere to my forsaken lie on a nice crispy biscuit. I find one. I pick it up I eat it. It was good. "Did you pay for that?" Asks Cyrus from 6 Minutes who works at Target. "As a matter of fact I did," I reply. "What do you mean? You just picked it up and ate off the shelf," "Excuse me sir do you have any baby formula for my dear Mikaela." I look to right I see a man. A tall ass man wearing a bun in a trench coat. He looks like a mom. In his carriera I spot a bright eyed Mikaela. "This is stupid Ferid," Mika complains. "I want out what if someone I know sees me," just then I watch Ferid serve out a nice mega bitch slap. "What?!" Mika shouts. "Now Mika if you continue to be disrespectful to your mother there will be no more video games for you! And futher more you will be grounded for the rest of your pathetic teenage existence eternity!" I watch as Mika rolls his eyes to the sky. "Now if you don't mind imma go head out with some of my fine biscuit," "no your not I already called 911 the cops are gonna be here any minute," says Cyrus blocking the way. "We'll isn't just lovely?" Asks Ferid. "I asked you to do one simple task Atticus and this is the results?" "Why I try get myself some nice moist biscuits but this man won't have it," "hes stealing," says Cyrus. "I'm not stealing I'm borrowing." "But you ate it," says Cyrus. "But your just annoying," I reply. I take my hand and snap up in that boy's face I want him to know I'm the captain of this heres ship.
