What we Forgot|| By happyshadowthoughts

My Favorite Brother- Fitz

LEGACY SPOILERS!
TW: Panic Attacks

hello again! This is part two of My Favorite Brother, this time told in Fitz's POV. It was written by me and edited by brokenmicrophones
Hope you like it!

I hate the number two, because that's what I've always been. Of course, being the middle child will do that to you. Alvar has always been 'the cool one', the one that goes off into adventures with different species. The one making a real difference in the family. And me? I was his cover, his mask. The person that people put their focus on when gossiping about the oh-so perfect Vackers.

Truth be told, I didn't despise the concept. My eyes gleamed when people marveled in my presence, worshipping the very thought of me and what I am capable of. People would fall to their knees for me, praying that their name appeared in the vast crowd of my matchmaking list.

"Just like Alvar," they would say. Just like him.
Sometimes, when Alvar visited the Lost Cities, I would catch him sneaking out of dinner to make random hails. I didn't think much of it since it was probably one of his three girlfriends. Or did he have two now? I never kept count. Now, looking back through my memories, I realized I should've have cared a lot more. Should have kept detail on ever move he did. How long had his charade been going on.

The day before my Foxfire entrance exam, I was a nervous wreck. What if they didn't accept me? Would it put a dent in the Vacker name? Mom and Dad had always been so supportive of me, but I know it would scar them if I failed one simple test. Keefe was applying as well. Funny, I thought. I never thought of him as one that cared one bit about his education. Especially now.

Panic attacks came and went, a voice filling in my head that suffocated me into darkness. I always hid it. I am the golden boy; I do not have any flaws. I stand tall in front of crowds and drown before I can reach the surface. I couldn't help it all tumbling out the morning of the exam. My breathing came fast and uncontrollable and the world began to blur into coloured patches. I fell to my knees, running my fingers through my hair to avoid the stress. Suddenly, a strong pair of arms wrapped around me like a haven. I could barely make out the chocolate hair and cobalt eyes of my brother, whispering to me that everything was going to be okay. For the first time in months, I had felt secure. Was that all a lie? A charade to gain my trust? Which Alvar was the sincere brother that stood by me, and which one was the murderer, stained with blood.

And soon I realized that my biggest fear of all was not being afraid. Keeping myself off guard was a mistake, trusting anyone was foolish. The fact that Alvar wasn't the least bit affected when he left us all in Ravagog to die. If I had known sooner, I would have been able to stop this, to stop all the pain everyone had suffered.
His tribunal was a wreck. I had been telling everyone for weeks, trying to stuff the simple information into their minds, that Alvar was irredeemable. Just because he had supposed amnesia does not change the vile things he did. Nothing can reverse the past; I know that now. He helped torture Sophie- my girlfriend at the time, who was just a kid. What could even possess a person to do that, especially somebody who had been raised with the greatest privileges in the Elvin world.

And yet, nobody listened until it was too late.
The day of the Celestial Festival still visits my dreams occasionally. The desperate look on Alvar's eyes pouring into mine. Cobalt into teal. Brother on brother. I wasn't bluffing when I announced I would kill him. End his life for the greater good. His blood stained on my hands forever. Everybody thought I had gone crazy, driven by the raging demand for revenge. Slaughtering him won't make me any more different than he is. Or was. I'm not quite sure anymore.

But you can't change what has already been done. There's still a crack in the Vacker name, which only grows wider with every day to come. Still a scar planted by all those who followed, digging deeper into my mind. Panic attacks come and go, this time with no brotherly affection to heal it.

Still an empty seat at the dinner table, doing nothing but collecting dust and bringing back old memories. We should really get rid of it, preferably burning it down with all the rest of his forgotten items.
Sometime after Sophie and I split up, I made a visit to Candleshade. I hate how it reminds me of two certain smirking boys, hate how Keefe could have turned out just like him despite the circumstances. I am well aware that Alvar is not there, either rotting away somewhere or clinging his way back to the Neverseen. But that's when I saw him, the cobalt eyed boy I refuse to call my brother. The one who was always there and then not. Right where we left him, limping in the corner of one of the abandoned rooms. Wheezing into emptiness.
He was practically dead anyway. For what it's worth, at least I have a new head to add to my collection of trophies, dusting away my favourite brother.

Word count- 938