Where It Ends

07 | for old time's sake

AFTER MY CONVERSATION WITH ZEKE, I WAS HOLED UP IN MY ROOM ONCE AGAIN. My stomach was rumbling because I hadn't eaten much, but I was so exhausted from today that I didn't even care. I kicked off my pajama pants and took off my hoodie, took a quick shower, and put on gray shorts and a red tank top that displayed some of my tattoos. I left my door unlocked because I figured I would wake up in a couple hours in time for dinner, and they truly didn't seem too threatening.

I was wrong about one of those statements, because when I woke up, the time said it was 7 AM, not PM.

Fuck. It's morning already?

I guess I was tired.

And hungry. I'm sure you could have heard my stomach from a mile away. Speaking of hearing, there was also a strange noise coming from outside my door. It was some sort of faint scratching noise that for some reason wouldn't go away. I groaned, not wanting to have to leave the comfy paradise that was my bed. Still, I sucked it up and got up to open my door.

At my feet was probably the cutest kitten I'd seen in my whole life. It was tiny and white with a tuft of brown fur at the top of its head. One of its eyes was missing, but the other was looking directly at me in curiosity.

"Hi baby," I gushed, aweing over it. The kitten stumbled closer to me clumsily, and my heart almost stopped from its cuteness.

"Her name's Muna," Axel said with a chuckle. I think she just got even cuter.

"Like Muno from Yo Gabba Gabba?" I laughed.

"Finally someone gets the reference. I mean, she's probably the clumsiest cat out there and has one eye. It's perfect," he ranted passionately, which just made me laugh even harder. It felt good, sharing a moment with one of my brothers. Kind of made it feel like I wasn't intruding on everyone's space too much.

"How have you been, by the way? I know it's probably a stupid question to ask, considering... well, everything," he said, and my laughter died down a little.

I continued to pet Muna in silence, pondering what my answer even was. I didn't know what I felt or even how I was supposed to feel. If I should feel bad or relieved or shitty about myself because I was relieved. I didn't know.

My silence and dampened mood caused Axel began panicking for a second, "Shit. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have-"

"No, it's okay. Really. I just... don't really know how to feel about it," I said quietly, as I continued to scratch behind Muna's ears. Something about Muna just made me feel more secure. And Axel didn't seem too bad either.

Neither did Brett at first.

I told my brain to shut up and took a deep breath. "How was she, with you guys? Honestly."

He shook his head. "Evie... I was only three when she left with you. So you know her a lot better than I did. But I have to say, every memory I have of her is bad. And based on what everyone else has told me, I guess just... not good."

"Not good kinda sums it up, huh?" I chuckled dryly, but it wasn't funny at all. It was the truth.

If I'm being honest with myself, she was never a good mother. Even before the drugs and alcohol. But sometimes, I'd put on the rose-colored glasses, and imagined that in the very beginning she started as a good mother. Just to pretend she hadn't always been that way. So instead of having to cope with her present self, I distracted myself by reminiscing my fake version of the "old her".

But now she's dead.

And the best thing I can do for myself is to be honest. See her for how she really was, even if it makes me guilty for allowing myself to see her that way.