feels

My heart

What am I supposed to do when I sit up at night and all I can do is think of you?

I can't get you outta my mind.

Why though? It's not like we'll ever have a chance again.
Ever.

Sometimes I write poems and song about you.

It's like a disease.

But a disease that I love.

The only cure is in my own heart, but that's where the disease is the strongest.

It fights to break out, to be known by others than only me.

But I can't tell anyone.

At least not yet.

I don't understand why this is happening to me.

Why do I have to be on the heartbroken end of someone I can't get over no matter how many times I tell myself.

Why did it have to end?

It really was perfect for a while.

What happened, is this somehow my fault?

Where was the gap in communication when you left?

Am I not good enough for you?

What's so different about every other girl?

Why is this so hard for me...I should be long past the point of caring.

You obviously are.

Little bits I my heart are chipped away very time I here what you've been up to.

But your smile replaces them time after time.

And your laugh

And your facial expressions

And your cuteness

But that might be worse....its like a gash, getting stitched up to the point of an almost scar. and then getting ripped open all over again.

Only this gash is in my heart.

It's more like a hole

A hole straight through the center, affecting every part of my being.

There's no escape

There's no place to hide

It sees and feels everything

It's horrible, my roller coaster of feelings for you

Some days it's like, ok, I'm fine, you don't matter anymore

But there are other days when you're the ONLY thing that matters

Sometimes I almost convince myself

Almost

Almost

Almost

But never all the way.

It's not fair

I mean, I know that you'll always have a small place I my heart

But that's what it should be.....small

Except it isn't

And I don't know if it ever will be

And I wish so badly to change that

But it's out of my control

I'm sure by this point I'm babbling and rambling, I'm sure some of you can relate

So to sum it all up I have five questions.

1. what changed?
2. how did it change so fast, with only you knowing about it?
3. why can't I be a part of your life?
4. am I not good enough
5. do you still think about me sometimes too, and remember everything that we had? because I don't think that you or I will ever have it again......we had it good