As I Fall Asleep- Joshua Bassett

Chapter 29

The next morning my brother whips open my door on his way to the bathroom, yelling, "Mom says you need to get up, you're gonna be late!"

I groan and turn over, pulling my pillow over my head. I really don't want to go to school today. Heck, I don't even want to get out of bed. But I have a Psychology test today in frost period and I really can't be late, so I drag myself out of bed and into the shower, hoping the cold water will sooth my puffy face and eyes that come with crying all night.

After my shower, I pile my hair on my head in a bun, not having the energy to do much else. I sneak a peek of myself in the mirror and immediately wish I didn't. I look awful. My knotted hair is dripping water down my neck and my face is pale. It's in stark contrast to the dark circles under my eyes from staying up late. My eyes are still puffy, but don't feel as bad, which is a small mercy. I sigh and walk out the bathroom door and head to the kitchen, already wishing this day was over.

I sit at the table and pour myself some cereal, even though I'm not hungry. I poke at it for a few minutes as my mom asks about what I have planned for the day. I can tell she's a bit worried, but thankfully she doesn't press me.

After a few minutes I excuse myself and brush my teeth. After that I get in my car and begin the drive to school. I had been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about Josh the entire morning, but now my resolve as fading and thoughts of him entered my mind.

I find my mind drifting back to the conversation we had last night. We were right to take a step back, right? I mean you can't have a relationship with someone you don't trust or someone you feel insecure with. But was I too hasty? Should we have talked this through more?

Suddenly, my thoughts are interrupted by a honk of a horn, directed at me. I wave an apology to the person I had just cut off and focus back on driving. I can't be thinking about Joshua right now, it messes with my attention.

I pull into the parking lot and head up to Psychology and take my seat, dreading the rest we were about to have. Aislyn comes into the class and sits down next to me, pulling out her flash cards to review for the test. She glances at me and subsequently frowns, here eye browns knitting together in worry.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing," I tell her, trying to focus on my poorly scribbled notes before class starts.

"It's not nothing," she informs me, "you look terrible."

I huff out a laugh, "Thanks Aislyn."

"I just mean you look like something's bothering you. And that you haven't slept in a week," she mumbles the last sentence under her breath, earning an eye roll from me.

"I'm fine, it was just a long night."

"Studying?" She asks.

I nod in response.

The bell rings and we get handed the test packets, the test officially beginning. I wrote my name, date, and period number, then read the first question. Then I read it again, and again.

After reading it for the fifth time I realize I'm not going to get it now and I'll come back to it later.

I end up doing this for the majority of the questions and soon people are getting up around me, turning in their tests. I wasn't even halfway through.

Every time I would try to read and comprehend a question, I would hear Joshua's voice in the back of my head saying, "we need to take a step back."

The bell rings and people start to file out of the classroom, heading to their next class. I turn in my half completed test and walk out the door feeling lower than I did when I walked in, and that's saying a lot.

I go through the rest of the day pretty much the same way. Assuring people that I'm fine, that I'm just tired, and not being able to focus in any of my classes. After school ends, I head to practice, dragging my feet. I really wanted to skip today, but we have an important game coming up and it wouldn't be wise to miss practice.

All day I had been able to use distractions such as people and my phone to block out the ache that I was feeling in my chest. But not anymore. As I swim the warmup, I'm all alone, in my own mind, subject to any thoughts that might occur. Fantastic.

As I swim I begin to reflect on our relationship. Not just our romantic one, but our friendship as well. I think of when we first met in Hawaii, then how we were there for each other in the hospital. The many dinners with each others families. Our movie nights. Our first kiss in the pool. Our many kisses after. Everything.

I'm going to miss him. I already do.

I don't know when I started crying, but my goggles are now filled with my tears and I have to stop and take them off in order to let the tears drain.

Why was I taking this so hard? Sure I cared about him, but we only dated for a few months. But we were friends for a while before that, and I think that losing our friendship hurts almost as bad.

Even though I told myself I was sad because we wouldn't talk anymore or hangout, I couldn't help but think there was something more to it. My heart was aching. Is this what heartbreak feels like?

Did I love him? If I did, do I still?

***

The next week passes slowly, each day getting a little easier without Joshua. On Wednesday, I get a text message from Josh, the first communication with him since the breakup.

"Are you still up for this weekend?"

Oh crap, I had totally forgotten. I have a follow up appointment with Dr. Olsen this Saturday at the hospital to get an MRI to check on the tissue growth. I was going to stay with josh since he lives so close. It just made sense. Why spend an absurd amount of money to stay in a hotel when Josh has a couch I can crash on?

I think about his text for way longer than necessary. It's probably too late to book a hotel room, and even if I could, the price would be astronomical. But was it worth it? I would be staying with josh for a night. The hurt is still fresh and I don't know if I can handle it. After much debating I decide I don't really have a choice.

"Yeah," I respond, "if that's ok with you."

"Of course," he text back almost immediately, "there's no reason we can't be friends."

Right. Friends.

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This updates short but i needed to write it to get to the next part hehe
Ok bye I'm tired
-kb