Life Swap

Doubts and Dilemmas

"Olivia...darling...you poor thing...do you want me to come to get you, little one?" Caroline sighed, as Auntie Sheila put her mobile phone on speaker and held it up between the two of us so that we could both hear. She sounded really worried, really concerned, and I felt safer with her than I did anywhere else, but I really could not afford to waste time with Felicity and Louise just because my nerves were shot to pieces.

"No, Mummy...please...I really want to stay with Felicity tonight...and Louise...and Auntie Sheila," I sniffed, trying not to sound totally pathetic. "It was just another silly accident...I was really hot and...it just...I couldn't hold it in?"

"It is all my fault, Caroline...I should have got them all out of their coats before I went to get our drinks...Louise was very flushed, too," Sheila added, putting her other arm around my slim shoulders. "But she was so good when I changed her...no fuss at all...although she was clearly very upset...I don't think we should let an accident spoil the rest of her day?"

"Olivia, do you feel at all shaky, darling?" Caroline asked, using the word I had coined in an attempt to tell her how I was feeling days ago, which was shorthand for an impending episode in her mind, and mine. We were standing in the baby-changing rooms of the Belfry Centre of all places, where Auntie Sheila had changed me and helped me calm down. She had been really nice. I was safe enough, I decided, and I was not going to let Kelly/Olivia bully me.

"No, Mummy...I promise...I was just hot?" I insisted bravely, because I really did not want to go home. I needed to talk to Felicity about what Kelly/Olivia was playing at, and try to make Louise feel better, because I was fairly sure that she would be worrying about meeting Gemma and Kelly for entirely different reasons. She needed me to be strong and I needed to fight the demons inside of me in order to be there for my friends. "Auntie Sheila is looking after me...she has been really kind and I feel nearly as safe with her as I do with you...and you did say that the new medicine might upset my stomach, Mummy?"

"I did...how awful for you...okay, I really don't want to ruin the rest of your sleepover, but I want you to promise me that you will tell Auntie Sheila if you start feeling shaky? Promise me darling...please?"

"I promise, Mummy." I replied, as Sheila hugged me. She then told Caroline that she would put me on the phone to her before bedtime, and then ended the call, because she did not want to leave Felicity and Louise with Kelly and Gemma for any longer than necessary. It was so surreal to think that the girl who had stolen my life was in the café essentially babysitting my friends, but there she was, when Sheila hurried me back to our table, quite obviously enjoying herself immensely. It was like looking into a mirror, but it was not me, not Kelly. Not really. I would never have done what she was doing to Louise, let alone me.

"Are you feeling better, Olivia?" She asked, as if butter would not melt in her mouth, standing up to pull out my chair for me. Her smile was cold, I thought, but I was stronger than her, deep down, I reminded myself, and I was not going to let her beat me.

"Yes, thanks." I muttered, glaring at her, but that only made her smile more.

"Girls...thank you so much for waiting with Louise and Felicity," Sheila said, so genuinely grateful, reaching into her purse and removing a twenty-pound note. "Please take this and treat yourself to something nice...but I need to break up our little party and get Olivia home...come on girls, coats back on...it is still cold outside...let's get home?"

It was a quiet journey back to Felicity's house. Mrs Blackstone tried to jolly everyone along a bit, and she probably did not understand why Louise was as quiet as me, but Felicity managed to distract her, and she presumably thought that my friends were embarrassed for me. So, when we arrived back at the house, she let us go back to Felicity's room, saying that she would call us down for tea about six o'clock. She was being kind, trying to give us some space, especially me, I suppose, and although the shadows protested, I was starting to warm to her. Maybe we got off to a bad start, because she thought I was Olivia, who I was beginning to think of as the devil incarnate, but since I had begun to make an effort for her, she had shown a different side to her character. It earned her a hug before I followed the other two upstairs.