Life Swap

Need Not Want

"It had to be seeing that girl...she didn't want to be reminded of the accident...and it brought it all back to her?" Caroline suggested, much later. I was in her bed again, right back to square one, it seemed, and she was gently stroking my forehead, sitting beside me. "She is obviously still traumatised by the whole experience?"

"So...she really needs to talk to someone?" Charles replied, from his perch on the bottom of the bed. "I mean, physically, we know she is okay...the concussion has gone...how about that guy we tried last year, when we decided to put her back down into year seven?"

"The educational psychologist?" She queried, frowning as I looked up at her, blinking in the light from the window. "Strange old man...but she did seem to get on with him..."

"I guess these...episodes...are not exactly his real area of expertise...but dropping her down again is part of the problem, we think...in that it is really worrying her...I just think she needs to talk to someone other than us? Someone with some training as a therapist?"

"Can you call him?" Caroline asked, before looking down at me. I managed a smile, and she let out a huge sigh. "Hello you?"

"Hello Mummy."

"How do you feel, little one?"

"Shaky, Mummy." I admitted, as Charles moved closer.

"Did seeing Kelly upset you, love?" He asked, gently.

"I don't like her...she isn't nice...she was horrible to Felicity and Louise in Redhill, and she isn't..." I blurted out, but then stopped, before I went too far.

"She isn't what, pickle?" Caroline asked, gripping my hand.

"She isn't...the problem...I don't know what is happening to me, Mummy?"

"Neither do we...it could be your bruised brain...but we think you ought to talk to someone properly, darling...do you remember Professor Hoyte? You saw him almost a year ago now...I think you liked him?" Caroline suggested, but I had no idea what she was talking about. There was nothing about Professor Hoyte in my memory banks. "Anyway...we do think he might be able to help you deal with all this trauma...so, Daddy is going to book an appointment?"

I did not argue. I did not have the strength anymore. Caroline got me up, put my dressing gown on me, and reunited me with the twins for some sibling therapy, whilst she went to get tea ready. I ended up on the sofa in the lounge, sitting between the girls, watching Frozen, and thinking about what Kelly/Olivia was doing to me. Grace and Chloe cuddled up to me, and I let my second family overwhelm me again, wrapping me up in their love. I stopped thinking and tried to relax, through teatime and our bedtime routine, and then settled into my cot again with the girls. I did not want to think anymore. It hurt too much, and thinking was not getting me anywhere. I fell asleep, entwined with the twins, and slept twelve hours straight until it was time to get up and get ready for church. I was on autopilot, sitting on Caroline's lap during the long service, and outside, as the adults lingered to chat, letting their kids let off the steam before going home for lunch, I clung onto her hand, not wanting to leave her side.

"She is very pale, Caroline?" Auntie Sheila commented, patting my head affectionately. "I do hope she isn't coming down with anything?"

"Oh, it is probably nerves...about tomorrow...a new class?" Auntie Jenny suggested, smiling at me. "Louise is a bit clingy this morning too...but once they get there, I am quite sure that they will both feel much better..."

"Can I take them both for a walk, Auntie Caroline?" Felicity piped up, minding her manners but eager to help, and no doubt to speak to me. "Auntie Jenny?"

"Felicity darling...you know Olivia adores you...but I am not sure..."

"Carrie...let her go...Felicity won't take her far?" Charles interjected, and rather reluctantly I thought, Caroline handed me over to my friend, who took Louise in her other hand. I actually looked back at Caroline, not sure I wanted to go anywhere, but Felicity had a firm grip, and I let her pull me away from the adults.