Chapter 32 - The Universe

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Background

Hopefully you've read the introduction to the Universe in Chapter 5. This chapter documents one of her vodka-induced rants.

Chapter 32 - The Universe

The Universe was having a snack with her second husband, Fate. She liked their little breaks because it gave them a chance to talk. He was less keen because he always worried that talk would end up in a job for him, or some problem with which he would have to deal. He, like every other man, feared the words 'we need to talk' nearly as much as 'I've had an idea'. He munched on his cracker and listened, hoping he would be able to deflect the problem before it gave him any work to do. They had been talking for a while and so far so good, because all she was doing was reminiscing and rambling.

"Man really is a silly little creature and very hard to deal with. Remember I was going to create a fabulous seat of learning for him, a place where men could go to be properly educated about the ways of the world? It could have transported mankind from a lowly place in the great scheme of things to the elevated level of grey matter, sun spots or maybe even dolphins."

"Yes dear, I remember, you were going to call it 'Universe City'."

"But as usual, some wise guy stole the idea and, before you could say Jack Robinson, they had created knock-offs all over the planet."

Fate's thoughts started to drift. He wondered who Jack Robinson was. Concentrate on her, he reminded himself, she gets really cross if she finds out that I'm not listening, and anyway he could Google Jack later.

"They pretended to give me credit for the idea by calling their establishments 'universities', as if using my name would make them any less fake. I should definitely have invented the patent office before I introduced my beautiful idea to them."

"Yes dear, that would have made sense."

"And now they teach students absolute drivel in their 'universities'. They teach things that are pointless or things that are just not true. Stupid nonsense like particle physics, parapsychology, the history of art, poetry, gravity, classical literature, tourism studies, classical music... I could go on forever [and she literally could]. Every one of them is absolute rubbish. What did they do to my beautiful idea? I mean, they teach evolution as if it were true. You remember evolution, don't you?"

"Yes dear, I remember, you dreamt it up after two too many bottles of red wine."

"That was a fun night. We planted 'fossils' all over the planet to give Man some puzzles to solve... we thought it would be a bit like a one hundred year Sudoku puzzle; they'd solve it and move on. But oh no, the idiots found the fossils, examined them, theorised, and then came up with evolution. I mean... dinosaurs, come on! We'd already given them the true story about Adam and Eve, but that wasn't good enough for them, oh no."

Fate had no idea where all this was going, but he knew that she'd take it wherever she wanted it to go. It was inevitable. He had a quick look at what she was drinking. This behaviour did remind him of the night she had come up with the idea of fossils. He was right, because there, behind the teapot, were a couple of open bottles of super-strength vodka. This was never good, but all he could do was minimise the amount she was drinking. He reached across and grabbed one of the bottles. He poured himself a very large glass of the clear liquid. He reckoned the more he drank, the less there was for her. That was true, but there was a definite problem with his logic. Fate was having a Tung moment.

"And I'll tell you another thing that they teach at their UNI-VERSE-IT-IES," she said, making air bunny symbols as she accentuated the syllables of 'universities'. She loved making these quotation mark gestures... and they did look a lot like bunnies when she wiggled her fingers.

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