The Black Conspiracy

Chapter 5 - Mr & Mrs Universe

Background

The Universe helps tell the tale of a dark and evil conspiracy, but sometimes she just likes to talk about herself... 

Chapter 5 - Mr & Mrs Universe

Sometimes the Universe got a little bit fed up with being just an aside in Man's thoughts. She often felt she was never the singular focus of his attention.

"No one ever gets to know about me," she complained. "Sometimes I reckon mankind thinks I'm just a figment of his imagination, but I have real feelings and plenty of needs. These people don't seem to realise that I have a life too."

Well, she did have a life, in fact, an extremely long one for anyone who was counting the years. She had been around since the beginning of time... actually, she had been around since long before that, but who's counting? She certainly wasn't and, like most ladies, she did not like to be asked about her actual age.

She had been a very beautiful youngster although now her looks were fading, but she seemed to be the last one to know. She certainly never acknowledged it. An obvious indication that things were going downhill was her size. When folks were being kind they would say things like 'she occupies her own personal space with some authority', and it literally was her own personal space. However when these same folks were being unkind, they just referred to her rapidly expanding waistline. In point of fact, she was expanding all over and people were noticing. To her dismay, an earthbound astronomer called Edwin Hubble had even gone as far as to publish a series of scientific papers about exactly how fast the Universe was expanding. She hated him for that. What sort of way was that to talk about a lady? Privately though, it had encouraged her to try and do something about her size so she read Hubble's papers and found out that 'Dark Energy' might be the problem. Next new millennium's resolution, she promised herself, I'll find out what 'Dark Energy' is and then I'll cut down on it.

Did her size issue stem from her childhood? Psychoanalysts seemed to think so. Her infancy had spanned the period before the beginning of time, so she had naturally been a very lonely child. She'd had no friends because there was no one else around. In fact, no one else existed for most of her childhood. Her adolescent years weren't much better although eventually she did become quite friendly with Mother Nature.

Mother Nature was very protective of her family however, once she got to know the Universe, she introduced her to her four daughters and a long-term friendship blossomed; mainly due to Spring, it had to be said. The four girls were collectively known to everyone as the four seasons; not to be confused with the pop group which came millions of years later. When the Four Seasons (the group) had a hit with 'Big Girls Don't Cry', the girls were plagued by people singing bad renditions of it every time one of them had a weep... they hated being called the four seasons ever since. The Universe hated the song too because it was a lie; she was, allegedly, a big girl and she did cry sometimes.

The seasons made good friends, but they were all very different. Winter was a bit of a frosty individual whereas Summer had a much warmer, Mediterranean temperament. The other two girls were very changeable, their moods blew hot or cold depending on, well no one was quite sure, but some thought it was probably the weather.

Then the Universe discovered boys and things went downhill for a while. In particular, there was one family of boys which gave her a lot of grief; the Apocalypse brothers. She went out with Pestilence, Famine and War, but none of the relationships had worked out well. Based on her track record with the family, she decided to give the fourth brother, Death, a miss; he felt distinctly snubbed and never really forgave her. His disapproval didn't bother her, because she was sure it had been a good decision not to court Death, after all, his brothers had been horrible, and anyway, she did not really like horses.

The later years were much better and she had now been married twice. Both marriages were happy on the whole, although each of the two unions had had a profoundly different effect on Planet Earth. That's another story for another time.

Fate, her second husband was always trying to find new ways to please her, but it wasn't easy. She was, in every sense of the word, a demanding mistress, and she had been around for a while so she had pretty much seen it all before. She was the ultimate 'I've got everything' person. He had once bought her a present which came in a beautiful titanium box, on the lid was engraved 'For the person who has everything'. Inside was a badge which stated in bright gold letters 'I've got everything'. She had smiled pleasantly and kissed him on the forehead.

"I've already got one of those," she said as she dropped it in her jewellery box, where it was destined to live forever with its identical twin.

She cared deeply about Fate, indeed she loved him more than life itself, but she was always a little suspicious of him. Fate seemed to have his hand in nearly everything, particularly the affairs of Man. Also, she suspected, that he'd had a hand in her affairs as well, for example her first marriage.

Her first marriage, to Lord Luck had, like most romances, started well. They'd met by chance and their whirlwind courtship had led to a wedding ceremony after only ten thousand years. However, as time went on, things deteriorated. After a while she wondered if the relationship had always been destined to failure. Was it Fate? Certainly, those close to her suspected him of having a hand in the breakup. They knew he'd had his eye on her for some time, but who could say whether he was interfering or not?

The early centuries of the Lord Luck marriage were fantastic and fortune seemed to smile on them, but over time he'd become increasingly effeminate until, near the end, he was permanently dressing in women's clothes. He wasn't so much 'in touch' with his feminine side, he was 'intimately embracing' his feminine side. The Universe couldn't understand it and, no matter how hard she tried, she just wasn't able to accept his female foibles, so inevitably the marriage hit the rocks; it was Fate.

So, Fate moved in and Luck moved out. Luck lived out the rest of his time as a woman, and changed his name. For those who didn't know any better, Lady Luck, as he now chose to call himself, had always been a lady.

The Universe was extremely happy with her new marriage, but she always wondered just how much Fate had had to do with the split from her first husband. She was particularly suspicious during his regular renditions of his own version of a song which Frank Sinatra had made famous. He only ever sang one verse of his 'Luck be a Lady'; it went something like this...

You say you're Lady Luck,

But I have found you out,

I've seen your very un-lady-like way,

Of running out.

Now your luck's run out, buddy,

So jog on 'til the end of time.