Me, myself, and life.

The beginning of everything.

She was an all smiles kind of person. Never really let the little things get to her.. She's more of a live in the moment making everything cool kinda person. But she was very shallow at times, it's like she could never make up her mind about who she was gonna be...Sometimes she would wake up to make everyone happy and some days she just wanted to roll onto the floor out of bed in the mornings and simply die. Death is something she feared very very much but yet she still has thoughts about how peaceful it would be and how everything would simply "go away" and everything could be perfect up in the clouds. This girl is me. I've been battling off and on with depression for about 3 years now and I know it doesn't sound bad but when the number of cuts is so many you lose count and you try to suffocate yourself with your pillow as you try to pray and cry yourself to sleep, it's bad enough. From the time were little our parents talk about how proud they are of us and how they want us to become this something that we're not. We start to live a lie. We do things to please our parents simply because we can't bear to see the tears run down their face and know that we're the cause. I had been cutting about a month and a half when my ex boyfriend was trying to help me out, and happened to tell his mom which I had begged him not to do, she then told my parents. I was devastated at how numb I was as my mother and father told me that they love me no matter what and they can't bear to see a world without my glowing smile. I was numb to it all by now. As they cried at the foot of my bed I didn't even think about crying I held together very very well and it was scary. It was scary how I had become so numb to life itself. They left my room and I laid on the floor in a ball and cried for about 30 mins asking God to simply take me up to heaven so that I could have peace so that I could never disappoint someone again. Of course that didn't happen because I was still living in a world that seemed much like a living hell. The boy who I loved so much(my ex) had come to a solution that to make everything better we needed to end all conversations between us and never speak. The last time we had tried this for two weeks I tried to end everything and I cried myself to sleep for two weeks and walked to school everyday with glazed eyes from all the tears. I wanted him to hug me or simply smile at me but yet I didn't even have the courage myself to look at his face when passing in the hallway. Life became so depressing I had no clue where to go, what to do, or who to turn to. I got called into the guidance counselors office about two weeks after my ex made his "solution". She forced me to show her my cuts tell her why and of course I got the same answer."you'll be fine, your in 8th grade.Dont let one boy get to you, in my eyes it's his loss because your a beautiful young lady." You have noooo clue how sick I was of hearing the words "fine", "okay", "beautiful". it sucked so bad to wake up everyday and hear everyone ask if I was okay and I had to say yes just to avoid the questions. If someone asked about the unidentified cuts on my arm I would just smile and say I fell out of a tree and it got a little scratched up. The only ones who knew were my ex and now my parents and my best friend. Destiny Douglas(she has an account--follow her) she was my rock when nobody was there and she knew how to make me laugh or smile or cry or even have anger just when I needed it. She can give the best advice ever. She was always worried about me because she thought I was depressed even behind my laughter. She was very good at finding that out. She knew me so well and she knew if something was a little odd that it was WRONG. Like I said I'm all smiles and cool with everything so when I was upset it was fairly easy to see especially for her being my best friend.