Voice in the Thunder

1

Your fav girls are back bitches. Enjoy my little sapphic lovers.

I really should have known better. I mean, I've been alive long enough to know that sometimes you can't fix it. Sometimes, it's better to just let it go. I just didn't think it would be so goddamn hard.

Even now, three years later, my heart aches to think of her. I miss her every day. I don't think that's normal. When I moved out, my clothes still smelled like her house. The blanket I stole from the couch that she used every night smelled of her until it didn't. She's completely out of my life, and I still want to pick up the phone and call her.

The closest I got to contact with her was a few months ago, when Dave came to the hospital to meet Layla. Her father was the latest in a string of one night stands and flings, but that doesn't matter. He's not in the picture at all. Dave brought a blanket that had moons and stars embroidered around the boarders. He told me about a tentative new project they were going to work on, but I shut him down.

Isla has been bugging me for weeks to suck it up and go to Nashville, because Stevie asked that I come work on the new album. I've been putting it off, mainly because even the thought of her breaks my heart all over again, but I'm running out of excuses. Layla is almost five months, and I'll have to start working again soon. Why not do it with people I'm already comfortable with? I mean, if anything, Dave will be a buffer, right? And I can always back out if it gets to be too much.

"Alina," Isla says, sitting on the couch beside me. I tilt my head to acknowledge her, not looking away from Layla's sleeping face. She's perfect.

"Call him back. Please?"

"I don't really want to."

"But you need to. You need to do something. I hate seeing you like this," She says softly. I sigh, looking over at her. She's right, god damnit.

Pulling my phone out from between the couch cushions, I find Dave's contact and put the phone to my ear.

"Hey, kid. What's up?" He asks.

"David, I have been pressured into agreeing to this project," I say, rolling my eyes.

"Really? Oh, that's great! I'm so excited! We leave for Nashville in a week. I'll send a car for you so you can meet us at the airport," He says excitedly. I smile. I did miss him. I've kept in contact here and there, but it's hard when he was around her most of the time.

"Listen to me, though. Okay? I need you to be a buffer."

"Ali," He sighs. "Really?"

"Yes!" I cry. Layla stirs in my arms, but remains asleep, blissfully unaware of the situation I'm in.

"Fine, but she's gonna want to get her hands on that baby," He says.

"I know," I say, smiling down at her. "She's pretty cute."

"Yeah, and you're horrible at sending pictures."

"I know, I'm sorry. It's not easy, you know? Doing this by myself."

"Excuse you!" Isla whispers harshly. I giggle, swatting her shoulder.

"I know, Alina. We'll see you next week, okay? Everything will be taken care of, you just show up."

"Okay. Bye, Dave."

"Bye, Ali."

I toss my phone down and smile.

"Why am I excited?"

"Because you love what you do," Isla shrugs, plucking Layla out of my arms.

"Hey," I glare.

"You need to pack. You have a lot to get together," She says, stroking Layla's dark hair. I roll my eyes, but get up.

I am feeling better. The idea of working on another project as fun as In Your Dreams is exciting. And who knows, maybe when I see her, I won't feel like my soul has been ripped out of my body and run through a shredder. That's probably wishful thinking, but hey. At least Dave will be there, and I'll get to bring Layla.

Maybe I should reach out... I mean, if she's half as heartbroken as me... She's probably fine. With the way she just got on that plane, I assumed she didn't really give a shit. I know that's not true, though. I saw videos of the tour. She looked sad.

Well, she made her choice and I made mine. We can't go back on it now, and honestly I can't tell if I'm happy about it. If I hadn't left, I wouldn't have Layla. No, it was definitely a good thing.

Hopefully Karen will hate me a little less, now that I'm not attached to her boss at the hip. She might even like me. It might be a shitty thing to admit, but I'm hoping Layla will provide enough distraction that I won't really have to interact with Stevie or Karen other than on work related matters. I may be biased, but she's a beautiful baby. She hardly ever cries, and she babbles a lot. Plus, I make sure she's dressed good.

I'm also holding onto hope that I can see Tom. I haven't talked to him since that fateful night, and I miss him. I know I could have called, but I assumed he would be on Stevie's side. Maybe neutral ground will soften him a little. I want him to meet my daughter.

I realize, as I'm packing, just how disconnected I am from these people that were once heavily influential in my life. I saw most of them every day, hell, I lived with the girls. And none of them besides Dave know anything about what my life has been like for the past three years. How depressing is that?

I hate that feeling. The feeling you get when you see someone who you used to know so well, and they're just a stranger now. It makes me feel an overwhelming amount of longing for that life, but I don't really have that life anymore. Well, apparently I'm about to be in a very similar situation to the one I found myself in three years ago. But the circumstances are entirely different.

Please, God, don't let it be painful.