One-shots (femReader) (Discontinued)

愛してる

Springs late again. The days seem to get colder I'm not sure if it was because I lost her or myself. I tried to stop it from happening, but I was too late.

"Your favorite song played on the radio today. I should have listened to what you said. I'm sorry you still know I love you right? I tried to keep up a smile around everyone, but you know how hard that is don't you."

I sat there talking to her. I couldn't cry because I know if I did, I wouldn't be able to stop it.

"Why didn't you make me stop. Why did you keep smiling you were hurting even though I just kept feeding it to you. Damnit why did you leave me!"

There it is the tears I tried holding in. The endless wipes I'll make but it won't stop, and I know it. I really did try to stop them, but it got pointless.

My eyes feel heavy my chest feels empty my lips feel numb. But worst of all my heart breaks every time I see you.

"You know something someone once told me that if I lost something that was right in front of me, I wouldn't even know...I guess he was right. I did lose you."

What am I even doing here you've been gone for two years now. How am I supposed to move on when your still in my head. Because there's not even a day that goes by and I don't stop thinking of you.

"I miss you still. I hope your happy wherever you are. I want to say everything is all right or at least it will be but that would be a lie. And you don't like lairs. Because that's what got you in the mess."

How many times do I sit here and sigh but I'm not sure how long I've been here either. Why won't my body just listen to me and stop dragging me here. Can't you understand how much it hurts seeing her here.

"Why are you here. You're the one who caused this."

That voice I know it all too well. Chuya Nakahara, I didn't think he would come here today but looks like it was just a day he needed her the most.

"You know I have a right to visit her too. I.... I know I caused this don't you think I get enough hate to myself."

"Well maybe you should keep hating yourself you knew how much I wanted to protect her from you, yet you waltzed in like it was no body's business. I may hate you for leaving but this is a different hate.  I despised you being near me. And I especially despised you getting closer to her."

Yeah, I deserved this if only I didn't pester him to let me crash at his place, then I wouldn't have met her......

What am I even saying meeting her for the first time was wonderful it was like love at first sight actually existed. I felt as if I could be on cloud nine every time I would talk to her, think of her, or her just looking my way. It did feel like that sometimes it will still feel like that but it's not the same. It will never be.

"You know Chuya when I saw her for the last time she was smiling, and I knew how much sadness I brought to her. Looking at her that day I thought I could bring back what was in our past, but I was naïve to notice how much I broke her.

"I tried to fix it, but I just made it worse. And then her favorite song came on from her phone you know at first, I never really understood why she liked it. But now I do. There's not a day that goes by where I wish to have one more talk with her. Even if it's to say goodbye for real."

Not bothering for a response, I get up. Stuff my hands into my coat and walk away from her grave. I walk who knows where I don't think of anything but her. From the first time, she spoke to me and how she smiled for the last time. God that smile could make anyone's heart stop or even skip a beat.

Turns out I was walking to the last place I met her. Right before she fell, I couldn't catch her on time. I let her fall right before her eyes even after she told me not to say I love you. And I did because I wanted her to know I still loved her even after all this time.

Resting my arms against the ledge looking down sighing. I pull out my phone and play her favorite song First love/Late Spring. The song plays quietly in the background as I stand on the ledge my arms once rested on turning around my back facing the city wind blowing my hair. It's like I can see her and that's when I let myself fall tears slip out and small smile comes in view.

And there's the memories of her showing and her saying '私はあなたを愛しています私の自殺マニアック' for the last time and it's beautiful hearing her saying that.