My Savior (old version!!!)

Chapter four

I wanted to start off by saying that I'm deeply sorry that I've been kinda MIA this past week or so, I don't entirely remember the last time I posted anything in regards to this story to be completely honest lol.

I have been in a mental hospital for the past five/six days for a sewer slide attempt. I don't want to go into too much detail but I will say that at the time of the attempt I was just overall very overwhelmed and didn't know what to do, so I did the stupidest thing I could think of; I took a bunch of pills.

I think for maybe a split second I hoped I wouldn't be alive, but almost immediately I felt extremely guilty and regretted what I had done, and told my mom about it.

I have really REALLY bad anxiety and after being caught by my mom with something I had been caught with multiple times at that point, I was on the brink of a panic attack and I took the pills impulsively. I'm in no way depressed (at least I haven't been diagnosed as such), but my anxiety gets extremely bad at times, and it has caused issues in past relationships and friendships I've had in the past.

I absolutely HATE  disappointing my mom and when I did so for the umpteenth time, I acted irrationally in a way that I will forever regret. I was near miserable my first few days in the psych ward but after a little time of reflection, I realized that the mental hospital was most likely the safest place for me to be after acting so impulsively over just simply getting caught.

I learned a lot from the facility I was at and I know because of the whole incident, I will always try my hardest to think things through before I do things like that. I could have thrown my life away in seconds as well as hurt so many of the people around me, especially after having my father pass away not even three years ago.

I made a lot of friends at the mental hospital who helped me through my time there (seeing as this was my first time at any kind of behavioral health system). I even got a little crush on this guy who I will most likely never fucking see again lol.

I'm only telling random strangers, who don't even know who I am, all of this personal information so that you can learn from my obvious mistakes. These are only a few of the lessons to take from this:

1)  Don't make HUGE life decisions without thinking them through completely.

I wasn't thinking when I took those pills, so much so that I hadn't even looked at my hand to count how many pills I was taking before they were already swallowed. Though I immediately regretted what I had done, you may not, and you also may not understand how much a single decision affects the things around you. One little thing can change so much, and it took the possibility of me almost losing my life at my own hand to realize that.

2) PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD OR WHATEVER YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE IN (EVEN THOUGH I'M ATHEIST),  DON'T THINK/ATTEMPT/OR PLAN TO K!LL YOURSELF!

If things in your life are going poorly, and you just don't know what else to do, please please please, just talk to a licensed professional about it. This is the sewer slide hotline in case you're thinking about doing anything irreversible; 800-273-8255.

3) Things will get better.

Maybe not instantly but you have to live through the hardships at least a little in order to get to the good parts, and there will always be people who care about you enough to help. I was absolutely miserable during my first few days in the mental hospital I was in, but I made friends with the other patients in my unit and even though they had literally JUST met me, they cared about me enough to cry when I told them I was being discharged. I am sad that I will never be able to talk to them again seeing as we weren't allowed to exchange personal information as a security precaution, but I know that they are all on their own paths to recovery and that their getting better is much more important. I just really appreciate the fact that 12 strangers cared about how I was doing mentally when I was with them.