Without you

001

Kulture Ella Jones

"Kultureeeee?" Yani snapped in my face

I hadn't realized that I had zoned out.

"Hmm? Sorry.." I snapped out of it

She looked across the room at Nas and gave me that look "Im fine Yani. For real. It's just hard seeing him saying one thing to me and another when he's in these bitches faces." I said honestly as I looked down

"I know boo. Y'all still arguing?"

"Of course, you know he's stubborn ." I groaned "Its almost been a whole week." I rolled my eyes

Nasir has a control problem. He loves to tell me he's single but as soon as I act single (Like he does) It's an argument

"We can go now if you want ?" Yani pouted

I shook my head no "I'm not about to alter my life to avoid him. It's cool I'm not trippin." I yawned just as Ariel finally made her way into the cafeteria sitting on the opposite side of me

She greeted us and we all engaged in small talk, mostly about how the school day was going so far. My eyes drifted back over to Nas and I groaned seeing him with his female of the week

Me and Nasir had been friends since we were 9. I think we always had a crush on each other but neither one of us had spoken on it being that we were so young. But of course we eventually made our way together.

We started dating young at just 13 and 14, our parents thought of it as a joke and swore nothing would come out of it. At just 16 and 17 our relationship escalated. I found out I was pregnant. I was scared. Scared to have the baby but also scared to tell Nasir. I thought he'd be pissed but to my surprise he wasn't. He made my pregnancy easy and enjoyable. I knew we would be okay if we survived teen pregnancy and we did.

Once I had Bleu everything changed for me. I instantly went into mommy mode. I stopped going out all the time, cut back on the parties and the smoking, if it didn't involve my baby it wasn't a priority for me. But Nasir didn't feel the same way.

He complained about not spending time with me when really he knew he was always welcome  over my parents house, he just didn't want to be stuck in the house. He still wanted to be seen. It's like he just couldn't slow down his life. I thought it would take some adjusting but it didn't. We then just argued constantly.

I was so worn down. Still trying to be a mother and a balance a whole relationship, school, at the time being 16 and I had just had a baby so I was going through unpleasant changes in my body. Instead of him helping me up he tore me down.

He started cheating. I think he was looking for what we had in different females. Only making me feel worse about myself. But he'd apologize and I'd run right back to him. It became almost embarrassing for me.

Once Bleu turned one our relationship was officially over. Its frustrating because we both still have feelings for each other, but its hard to express them. He used the excuse that we needed to "Mature and work on ourselves so our relationship could be solid" but really, He wanted to be single and do his thing while he's young. I try to understand that as much as I want this relationship, we just aren't ready.

For some reason It's like I can't move on and I'm stuck on what could have been. I still have that idea of a family stuck in my head. Nasir on the other hand barely waited a month to move on. And he's been with multiple woman in the last 7 months. Though I still can't seem to keep him out of my bed at night and I stupidly let him. Mostly because I'm scared of losing him. I'd do anything to keep him.

If it's anything I can't complain about it's the way he cares for his daughter. Nas loves Bleu more than anything in this world and everyone who knows him knows it.

- - -

"Ma maaaaa." Bleu screamed as I walked through the door

"Hi Tink." I said as she'd climbed into my arms weapping her little arms around my neck "oh you missed mommy?" I laughed

"Yea. I mih mommy." She said holding my cheek

"It's miss baby." I corrected her as I walked into the living room "Hey mom. How was she today?"

"She was good. She didn't really get a nap In so she may be cranky later. How was school?" She asked

"School was good. I can't wait to be done. Thanks for watching her." I kissed her cheek

"You know i don't mind. Got anything planned for today?"

"Nope. Me and Bleu and about to cuddle and watch some movies. I have one client to do later today but that's all."

"And what about the weekend?"

"Uhh. I don't know. Maybe I'll take her to like chuckee cheese or-"

"Ella baby, it's okay for you to have a break sometimes."

"I do get a break. When she's sleep or when I'm at school and when she's with her dad ."

"You are still young. You deserve to have fun sometimes. You know I'll keep her for you."

"I know mama but I'm not always throwing my responsibility on you."

"Think about it okay. Go out this weekend Ella. You don't ever go out anymore." She said and i nodded as me and Lani made our way upstairs