Was ich schon immer sagen wollte

41) Hannah zu ihrer Frauenärztin

Bei ihrem letzten Frauenärztinnenbesuch hat sich Hannah unmöglich benommen. Sie war besserwisserisch, hörte nicht zu und unterstellte ihrer Ärztin Konservatismus und mangelnde Aufmerksamkeit.

Jetzt, vier Monate später, möchte sie sich entschuldigen und endlich auf etwas zu sprechen kommen, was ihr wirklich am Herzen liegt.

[Der folgende Text ist auf Englisch, weil die Worte in dieser Sprache zu mir kamen.]

“I'm sorry for how I have treated you when we last met. You don't have to accept my apology but I want you to know that I am truly sorry. I was awful.”

The doctor looks at her politely but not showing any signs whether she accepts the apology or not.

“And I actually... I have a lot of questions... And this time, I'm going to listen to you, really listen to you. 'Cause I think, I could learn a great amount from you.”

The doctor raises her eyebrows in surprise.

“I don't actually know anymore if I'm into girls. 'Cause everytime I feel like I might like one, she turns out to be my friend or, even worse, she has been my friend for a long time and suddenly has a boyfriend.”

“So, you are saying that you don't like girls anymore because they are your friends or have boyfriends?”

Hannah sniffs, nods and shakes her head at the same time.

“It's like... I've waited so long for the moment to finally fall in love but it just doesn't happen.
When I was younger, I was watching this telenovela called Violetta - it was actually the reason why I went to Argentina, buy nevermind - I just wanted to say that it had a big influence on me. Because for the first time I realized that women are beautiful.”

Hannah starts smiling big and wide.

“Women are so beautiful. I had a picture of this actress on my iPad, she played my favorite character on the show, and I looked at it like a thousand times and then I realized that I was attracted to her. Not only for her part in the show but actually to her, her appearance, her voice, her hair and her beautiful, beautiful face. And her body. I just kept staring at her boobs and actually masturbated while looking at them. And then I just thought: That's it, I'm gay.”

Hanna opens her arms as if she wanted to hug every women in the world.

“It made so much sense. All these looks I've exchanged with women, especially female teachers. I had no doubt because I wasn't interested in boys. Yes, sometimes, I imagined them showing interest in me or asking me out for a date but I never dared to ask. And with women... Suddenly, it all seemed so possible.”

She exhales and makes herself tiny in the seat.

“But nothing happened. Ever. And I'm tired. I'm tired of waiting until some boy asks me out or I'm finally falling in love with a girl. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I'm tired of that.
And... don't know, but maybe it's time for a new start - in terms of my thoughts and world view. Girls are great. And still they're hot. So hot. But I just can't- I don't want to wait any longer. Do you know what I mean?”