𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐡𝐨𝐦𝐞 | 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐦

home <3

home, you know i think about this word quite a bit, figuring out what it means to me. 

the first time that i remember thinking about what this word meant to me was maybe in 4th grade. at the time i thought the only meaning the word really had was where i lived, the house i lived in. for maybe a millisecond i thought it was that that home, was that evil school that had messed up my brain at the ripe age of 9, was my safe place. it of course wasn't. it was the place where i felt out of place, where i felt as though i didn't belong, it was the place the made me absolutely afraid of everything. it was the place that made me so fucking scared to open my mouth to say something, until i finally did, after those girls talked about my body and how i shouldnt have had friends because of myself. i did and my mom was the most wonderfullest person and went to the school to ask if i could be transfered the next year so i don't have to sit and rot through another round of insults they knew i could hear.

this led me here, in 5th grade. a full 3 months after i left hell. and, throughout 5th grade, yeah i still taught the word *only* meant, the house i live in. but i finally had found a place outside of the house i live in, in the class. my fifth grade class was my safe space throughout 2018-2019. it was the place that i found myself being cover with people i love and admire, with people that love me back, or like. it was the place where i loved so many people, the place that felt life a family. in 6th grade we were ripped apart, barely ever talking. 

throughout 6th grade i still had hade some of my friends from 5th, so it felt like a broken family.

 a, a, and h were my safe space at the time, they were one of the closest people i was to in 6th grade. i miss them even now, i want to become close to them again i want all of us to be a group of 3/4 again. #1 A came out to me, he was the most funniest more nicest guy i had ever met. he told be about a crush he had on this one boy. sometimes i wonder if he still does, the boy he had a crush on has a girlfriends (they act like it) now, i wonder how he feels about that. #2 A was one of my lovely friends, one of the friends who had a bunch of friends. she was the most bright, most living thing in 2019-2020, to me. h, ohh, h was the most loudest person i had ever met. she was energetic, never gave us a break to talk back to her, she was the heart of the class, the person who kept everyone awake and aware. i see her around sometimes but i never talk to her, i'm too scared of rejection.

those people i would love to thank for keeping me awake during long hours at school, and for honestly giving me something to go home and talk about. to express my excitement over. you guys will forever be one of the 15 people who allowed me to live.

during that year (march of 2020) i had found the boys (all of them), but they didnt do anything for me, anything BIG until march 2021.

in 7th grade (2020-2021), i had no one, except my sister and. i was in this hole, where i was drowning. getting no air in my lung. i felt as though the last thing i was going to do before i passed out was my social studies homework. things were piling getting harder to climb over and get to the next reachable item. i was alive but not in a sense the should count. 

in march, of 2021. i sh. i wanted to feel something, to allow myself to breathe again, to wake up from another round of hell i was going trough. i wanted to live again, to experience the last 9 months again, knowing i wasted time to live. 

my mom found out along with my sister, and they were both worried about me but, loved me otherwise. my mom, she was supportive of me, she asked if i wanted to talk to my sister about it, since she had sh too, when she was around my age. drowning like me, wanting to love something. we talked, that helped a lot. enough for the moment. 

at the end of march 2021, when i still had the urge. i started to getting into louis and harry more instead of all of them (although i still like to call myself an ot5).

it progressively got better. but by 3 months of covering myself in my sister and mom, and harry and louis, i felt alive. like i wasn't drowning anymore, i was finally able to float on the water. i was finally on top of everything that life laid out for me, well most of it. i wanted to live again.

i wanted to live for something, for someone. i wanted to live for other people, for louis, for harry, i wanted to live for you guys. i continued to want to live for these thing.

 i want to live now for louis, so i can somehow meet him and tell him he saved my life, tell him he has saved so many lives. i want to tell him that i'm glad that he was one of the people that keep me here, that grounded me. i want to meet him, and live for him bc he loved me when no one did, he asked if i was ok. i want to tell him thank you for being one of the main reason im comfy with my sexulity and one of the reson i know my sexulity. i want to live for him because he didn't live for himself. that he pushed me to write.

i want to live now for harry, i want to tell him that he is one of the the main reasons i am alive, sitting here, writing this; thing. i want to allow himself to know that he is one of the reason so people alive. i want to live for harry because i know that he didn't live fully for himself. i want to for him to know that i'm alive bc of him, and that i want to be alive, now. and that he is such a big musical influence on me.

i want to live for you, for you lu, for you kat, for you everyone. i want to live because i know that i should. so you don't freak out. i want to live for all of you guy bc i love you unconditionally and most of the time always will. 

i want to live so i can move when im older, to the place ive been wanting to for the past 2 years.

so, in conclusion, i found out the meaning of home, or at least my meaning, in the past 2 years. my home is on here, my home is with louis and harry. my home is with some of my family. my home is people not a place i live in. it's a person, people. home is never a place you live in, it could be yes, but only if its a place you live in with people that you love/are your home. 

to end this, here's my definition of home.

home - 

 place definition; a place that people live in or go to that you allow yourself to love unconditionally. (meaning, you love the place and it's your home or you love the people and the place and it's your home)

person definition; a person who you love unconditionally and will continue too (for the most part).

all of my love, dulce

(1359 words)