FADE IN:
INT. OFFICE - DAY
A busy office. The sounds of printers and people chatting fills the air.
CRAIG(32) and OZZY(31) sit at desks opposite each other.
Ozzy is loudly whistling the theme tune to The Muppet Show.
Craig clenches his fists and frowns across the desk.
CRAIG Jesus Christ! Are you going to do that all day?
Ozzy stops whistling and looks up from his computer.
OZZY You don't like The Muppet Show?
Craig sits back, confused.
CRAIG Of course I like The Muppet Show. Who doesn't like The Muppet Show?
Ozzy shrugs.
OZZY So, what's your problem?
CRAIG You've been whistling it for over an hour. It's driving me nuts!
Ozzy holds his hands up placatingly.
OZ Ok, I hear you. I can do something else. How about Thundercats?
Craig groans in exasperation.
CRAIG I just want you to stop! I can't handle your shenanigans today?
OZZY What're you talking about? You love my shenanigans.
Craig sits quietly for a few beats. Ozzy senses a change in the mood.
OZZY (CONT'D) Are you ok man?
Craig buries his head in his hands.
CRAIG No, I'm really not.
OZZY Ok, no more whistling. Where do you stand on humming?
CRAIG (Wearily) It's not the whistling, It's just... I got some bad news yesterday.
Ozzy breathes in dramatically.
OZZY Oh my god! You're getting divorced!
Craig closes his eyes and shakes his head.
CRAIG I'm not married! You know I'm not married!
OZZY Oh yeah. I was thinking of Craig in HR.
CRAIG If you must know, I found out I'm ill.
Ozzy breathes in dramatically again.
OZZY Oh my god! You've got AIDs!
Craig rocks back in his chair.
CRAIG What! No, I don't have AIDS. Why would you even think that?
OZZY Sorry man, for some reason when I hear that people are ill, I automatically assume it's either AIDs or cancer.
Craig raises an eyebrow.
CRAIG And you went to AIDs first?
OZZY I think my mind works alphabetically.
CRAIG You're really weird, you know that. And no, I don't have AIDs.
OZZY Phew, thank God for that. You had me worried there for a second.
Ozzy goes back to work for several seconds, and then looks up at Craig in shock.
OZZY (CONT'D) Holy shit! You've got cancer!
CRAIG Thanks for the diagnosis doctor dipshit. Yes, I have cancer.
OZZY Well, I was half right.
Craig shakes his head in disbelief.
CRAIG Whatever!
OZZY Can I guess what kind of cancer it is?
Craig rubs his forehead.
CRAIG I really wish I hadn't told you now.
OZZY Is it bollock cancer?
Craig stares at Ozzy in wonder.
CRAIG Wow, I guess your mind really does work alphabetically.
OZZY Hey, at least it's one of the good ones.
CRAIG What the hell are you talking about? There's no such thing as a 'good' cancer!
Ozzy shrugs dismissively.
OZZY They just whip out one of your love spuds and you're footloose and cancer-free.
CRAIG I'm actually very attached to my love spuds!
OZZY Why? They're the single greatest weakness we have. One swift kick to the nut sack and it's game over man.
CRAIG (To himself) Why am I friends with you?
OZZY Do you think they'll let you keep it?
Craig stares at Ozzy in disbelief.
CRAIG You're a crazy person.
OZZY You could turn it into a keychain. That way, you could still fondle it any time you want.
CRAIG Please stop talking.
The mood becomes sombre. Ozzy realises that he's taken things too far and turns serious.
OZZY So, what happens now.
CRAIG More tests and treatment I guess. I'm really not looking forward to any of it.
OZZY You'll get through this buddy, you're the strongest guy I know. And I'm here for you man, anything you need.
They share a look for several beats. Craig smiles in gratitude.
OZZY(CONT'D) And look at the bright side.
CRAIG What possible bright side can there be in this situation?
Ozzy grins.
OZZY At least you're not getting divorced.
FADE OUT.
