On My Way to Salvation

Discovering My Childhood Trauma

A few days ago, when I was hugging (imagining) Ilios my dear friend while being on call with him made me realise why I always want to hug him when I go to bed.

It feels so comforting, so safe, and makes me forget every problem in the world. I
Only having him on call and imagining that we are together and he is hugging me gives me comfort and the feeling of absolute. It is out of the world to explain when you feel divinely connected to something.

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The next day I was thinking, and I remember an incident that happened to me so long ago, at a very young age that I don't remember it but everyone tells me.
I lived with my grandparents when I was a kid. In my family, we talked about it so many times, how I used to roam in the whole village and how everyone in the village used to find me amusing and talkative. How everyone loved me. Then after a year or so my parents took me back to get me admitted to a school in Delhi where they lived.

It was a fun story until I got to know that I was just a little babe when they left me at my grandparents, I surely missed my mom's comforting hugs while sleeping, they said I was sick and my mom was not doing very well with two kids, my elder brother and me. Struggling times, plus my health was poor, I was getting a hard time digesting cow milk.

Well leaving me to my grandparents and making me completely dependent on cow milk was smart, they thought. As, my digestion system had been given the ultimatum, no other option but to digest it, it did. Just like my body, my mind, and my heart also adjusted to the absence of my mom's hug, it found the alternative with my grandparents' hugs.

Perhaps from there, I learnt the art of detachment from things and people that no longer stay with me. Till now I hold it against my mom that she loves me less and maybe I will always do.

But it took me a long to detach from my grandparents. I used to cry whenever summer vacation ended and I had to leave for Delhi, for school. I slept hugging my grandparents till I was 10- 11 years old and then I grew apart gradually.

That feeling of comfort and home kept missing from my life for a long time. Then, I find it in a person.

To be continued...

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Yesterday when I started writing this, I was not in the mood to do anything, but I wanted to talk, I don't know about what, may be anything but just to avoid the feeling or to know what's going on with me and what should I do, what I was going through and yet I was selective enough to avoid some people. My circle is so small that if those few people leave, I don't know who I would have in my life. 

Many times I opened and closed the Instagram, and the inbox of my close friends who were busy, and perhaps one of them was simply avoiding me, just like him I thought of watching a movie but it wasn't motivating enough. I started writing about how I was feeling, what should I do with my recently discovered trauma, how to heal, how to deal with heartbreak and my unrequited love for my friend.

I was always self-aware of my emotions, my feelings, my behavior, my pain, and everything that I have been through but my journey began when I started looking into the causes of actions and emotions. I want to be better for myself and for people I share my love with.

I don't know why but I thought of writing it here, thinking that I should share my discoveries and how I am dealing with my life with real people who might be going through same or something. May be we can help each other.