Random Writings & Quotes

BPD

So May is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) Awareness month. And I wanted to take some time to write about what it's like to like to live with BPD.

We have days where we start out in a great mood and are happy as can be. But the slightest inconvenience can literally ruin our whole day. Just the tiniest bit of bad news, an argument, hearing a tone in someone's voice when we're being talked to and everything is falling apart for us. We can only see in black and white there is no gray. We are either super happy or super sad. We have no in-between. Being ignored during a conversation makes us feel completely invalidated, unimportant, unloved and unwanted. Our mind automatically jumps to the worst possible senerio. We have a Favorite Person (FP), a person who magically makes everything better for you. And being away from them feels like we are dying and we get extremely depressed. We dissociate a lot and always are prepared for the worst possible outcome yet when it happens it hits us so hard we usually have a breakdown so severe that we cut off all contract with the outside world self isolate and often self harm. We also often will have what's called a BPD Episode. We act out towards those who mean the most to us often in bad and unhealthy ways and often hurt their feelings. We self destruct quite often during these episodes and often uninstall or deactivate social media from our phones. We truly don't mean the harmful things we say during these episodes. And we are literally screaming at ourselves to stop during them but unable to. We also have manic episodes where we are super happy and tend to act impulsively. Manic episodes tend to happen after a depressive episode, and are often followed by a depressive episode because we are upset by our impulsive actions once the manic episode subsides. A BPD episode can last anywhere from a couple hours to weeks. We also mirror those around us unintentionally. It is an unfortunate side effect of this disorder.

Please be patient with us. We are trying. We just need some extra patience and reassurance.

Moriah Rae Knight