I don't know, I kinda hate saying I love my dad. I know it hurts my mom that I don't say it more, but my dad would kill me if he found out what all I've done since he was gone. His words not mine. When I was 6 he told me " If I ever see you kissing someone who isn't a boy, I'd kill you." Hey! but he can't! Lucky for me I didn't know what that stuff when I was 6.. I mean sure I knew that picture my dad painted for me of it, but since that had happened when I was 6 I didn't know. Not only did my dad think that stuff was not okay, he also thought boys were better then girls. Now that one...that one stuck with me. It was always shoved to me on a sliver platter. The one time at my horse back champs, I placed 2nd, my dad said and I can quote it word for word." If that was your brother he would have had the whole thing wrapped up." At the time I wad 12 and 12 years of that I couldn't let him put me down like that anymore, I lost it, like really really lost it, I said "Well if you really think that why don't you just let him get on and ride it for me, if boys are really that much better then girls, why did the person that beat me was a girl? Want to explain that one? " My dad got very mad at me after that saying I was " smart mouthing him" when he would say that, In my head it would just repeat " good I am smart mouthing you you need some sort of smarts in your head!" I wanted to say it so so so badly but I didn't what wouldn't have been a good idea. When I got home that night my mom wasn't there to watch, went into my room crying, my dad had been yelling at me the whole 27 minute car ride. I told my mom that dad was getting on my nerves I said I didn't love him. My mom told me to stop "lying" I wasn't lying though no one knew that. I did though, I think my older brother David did too, he knew what it was like, or at lease I think he does he acted like he did, I know he has him moments with dad of his own, he doesn't like dad like my mom does, I think her , Kaden and Kayla are the only ones who see him that why I really really don't. I just think if Kaden and Kayla were old enough to know that all those comments about other people were they would feel the same, they just aren't old enough to know what they were about of what they meant. I don't blame them it wouldn't be fair if I did. I just knew because that's all dad would talk about with me. I mean talking about all this bad stuff my dad did really changes the way I look at his photo in my room hanging over my desk, dad always vowed that work is really really important. More important than family, more important then me, David, Jack, Kaden and Kayla and maybe even my own mom.
I don't get why she stayed with him, I know she loved him but, what about him made him that good to keep?
I don't know, yes again.
