Self Love

Chapter 7

It's been a smooth week since the godforsaken event. It's safe to say everything is back to normal. Everyone's back to minding their own business rather than mine. I heard a knock and that drew me out of my calculations.

"Come in."

It had to be Lamar. Why just why?

"Leo has your contract. He took care of it and I went through it. Everything is done but there will be a delay with your shipment up north if I'm not wrong. He'll talk you through it."

I said going through a file.

"This is a friendly visit. Just-"

"Checking up on me. Save it. I'm fine. I'm healthy. Is that all?" I cut him short.

"Who was that guy?" He asked.

"A past mistake."

"I have time-"

"But I don't, so if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."

"Was he the guy from all those years back?"

I could feel myself tense up under his gaze.

"I don't want to talk about it. Look, thanks for helping me then. Thanks for being there when he gave me that godforsaken visit but Lamar, we're business associates not really best friends."

"I'd have liked to have you as a friend besides I was genuinely worried about you."

"Yeah well I'm not looking for a boyfriend. My interest in you is just from a far if I'm to be honest. Last relationship ended badly. I now get panic attacks just by looking and thinking about him." I laughed bitterly because I did like Lamar. He offered me comfort when I did my internship at his dad's company. I was so nervous and closed up. Using the university classes and the internship as a distraction from my messed up life. He was nice but so was Malcolm and look how that turned out. Lamar may not be the same as Malcolm but for now my guard with everyone but my family is up.

"Hey-"

"Spare me the crap Lamar. I'm fine."

"I know but if you ever want a friend to talk to-"

"Yeah, call you. I'll think about it."

I stood up to place files in their folders on the shelf while he observed me. After a moment or two he stood up to leave. But before he could leave I gave him some parting words.

"Maybe in another life we would've worked out but in this one, my life's messed up, that exhaustion is a relief. If I want an ear to listen to my late night troubles or a shoulder to lean on while I drink my problems away I'll have you on speed dial."

"It's a step."

He smiled before leaving.

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It's late at night, probably close to midnight if not past. I keep tossing and turning unable to sleep. The bright side is that tomorrow is a Saturday. I'm not needed in the office. Downside, I wanted to be in the office. I guess this calls for a late night drinking session. Normally I would call Blair but I figured this one should be done alone. I went through some emails. Replied to the least important ones, did some numbers for a couple of contracts then sat on the sofa with a bottle of liquor.

My mind went back to when it all began. Despite trying to think of something else I couldn't stop my mind from wandering so I let it.

It was when I was 14. A freshman in high school. I had some older friends because of Alex. He was a year ahead. Alex was a social butterfly so he also had friends older than him. Point is I remember being at lunch with my friends when they were checking out the juniors and the seniors. I wasn't paying attention but I caught myself staring at Malcolm. He was 3 years older than I was. Embarrassing part was, I made eye contact. I looked away but I had already been caught red handed. For the next few weeks all we shared were glances and smiles. Then Alex was invited to a party. I wanted to go hang out with the older kids and Alex agreed so long as I didn't disturb him. I saw Malcolm and I guess I got the courage to talk to him due to the different environment. Besides, I told myself he wouldn't remember who I was so, 'just do it'. Few months later, we kept talking and me being the naive girl I was, seeking an older guy's attention, I entertained his company. Then a year later I started going out with him. Half way through my sophomore year and his senior year, he asked for sex. I was scared so I said no and that's when things started going dark. He insulted me and hit me. I had never seen that side of him so I ran home. Since I snuck out, I felt like I couldn't tell anyone what happened. I did something wrong and that was the karma for my actions. That was what my mind used as justification for what happened. Malcolm apologized, took me out, and got me gifts. He explained about his family and how his parents are arguing and yelling at each other so he just snapped but at the wrong person. I was naive and empathetic so I accepted his apologies. Weeks later he asked again and tried convincing me but I was still scared. He did something so despicable but the thing was I let him. I let him drug my drink and let him have his way with me. Even on days I never wanted to, he would drug me in the name of helping me get over my fear and have his way with me. Then he went off to college. Then he came back in my senior year and I took him back after a few sweet words and gifts because in my mind he was sorry. Then he did it again but this time my brothers found out. They caught him hitting me and my delusional mind defended Malcolm. My family was baffled by my actions. I thought that was love. The ups and downs people talk about. So we went our separate ways. Then when I was 19 and in college, Malcolm visited me at my apartment. How he found me that time I didn't know but he did and I was happy. We went out. Drank together. The same old toxic cycle continued but I'll admit the 2 year separation when I was 17 to when I was 19 helped a bit. I started realizing we were a mistake. Furthermore, looking at my friends' relationships made me realize I was in a bad one. So on my 21st birthday, I was celebrating with my brothers at Jake's house and I know it was bad timing but I decided it was best if I ended things with him then. I went to his motel room to end things. But that's when he turned into the beast of my nightmares. He attacked me. He hit me. He raped me. Again. He was brutal. More than what I was used to. I was so scared I ran out. That's when I bumped into Lamar for the first time. He helped me by treating my cuts and bruises. I told him what happened thinking I would never see him again. It was late so he gave me a place to stay. Afterwards in the morning he took me back to Jake's. That was when I decided enough was enough. I told my brothers everything. From when I was 14 to then. I chose to distract myself to forget about it. My classes were full time. I took the internship at Woods Enterprise to keep me busy. I'll admit when I met Lamar there we did bond but I wasn't in the right headspace to be in a relationship with him. But we connected and I'm happy he didn't hurt or take advantage of me. The other week was the first time I saw Malcolm in 4 years. I guess I don't have it under control like I thought. I drank bottles and bottles of wine. I didn't even think you could get drunk on wine but after a few bottles I didn't remember anything.

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