Dear John

Marlena

February 25, 1993

Dear John,

Victor won't tell me where you went, although he mentioned Italy, and some charitable foundations that were set up by Isabella. He said if I wrote you he would forward the letter. At this point, I don't even know if I can trust that, he's so angry with me. He blames me for you leaving...I can understand that. I can't believe you left, but I can understand why. I shouldn't have run out on you like that. I knew at the time I shouldn't. We needed to talk about what had happened...what we did, and I was so caught up in my guilt I left. Honestly, I'm still caught up in my guilt.

I need you to know, though, I don't regret it. I should, but I don't. I know it was wrong, and we should have held back...but that memory of us together on the plane is one of my dearest memories. I worry that when I left you on the plane, I left you feeling like I wished we hadn't made love. I haven't told Roman, because I know it would hurt him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt my family, but I don't regret what we did.

I miss you so much. You're my best friend, and now I have no one. I mean, I'm surrounded by people who love me, and care about me, but the feeling of loneliness is overwhelming. I diagnose depression all of the time in my patients. Motivating myself to do much of anything is nearly impossible right now. You were the one I could express anything to...even when I shouldn't. I don't have that with anyone else, and that's the oddest part. I mean, shouldn't I have that with Roman? Shouldn't I be able to tell him anything? Maybe I should work on that, try and fix the communication problems in my marriage.

Sami and Carrie are missing you badly, Sami especially. She's trying to adjust to being back in Salem, but she argues with Roman relentlessly, the same as Carrie does. You were a steadying force in their lives. You have a calm nature, and you were always able to get them to see potential outcomes in their actions or behaviors. You let them make mistakes if they were unavoidable, and then learn from them. I feel almost disloyal saying this, but Roman's inflexibility, and his inability to allow them to make their own choices, is potentially the cause of the problems. I know he wants the best for them, and he does it because he wants to keep them safe. They just think he's trying to control them.

I spoke with Eric yesterday. He doesn't want to come home next year. He says he wants to stay in Colorado and continue going to school there. I wanted him to come home for the summer, but he seemed reluctant, and when I asked him if he'd spoken to Roman, he changed the subject. I feel like the children are drifting further away from him, but I don't know how to stop it. I know I shouldn't be telling you all of this, speaking poorly of him, but I have no one else...Roman is so stubborn, and he's pushing them away. How do I stop that? I don't remember him being so rigid before, well, I mean, before he was taken. He's not the same.

I guess fear, pain, and imprisonment for seven years would change a man, wouldn't it? I have so much guilt over that, and in my head I know his imprisonment, and what he went through wasn't my fault, but while he was suffering, while he was going through that...for part of that time I was so happy...with you. Being married to you was almost a dream. Sometimes I think about it and I feel it must have been a dream, because for one brief year, I was as happy as I've ever been. And we were happy weren't we? My memories of that year are some of the most amazing. I miss you, John. I miss you so very much. I know why you left. I understand, but it's breaking my heart to be without you.

I love you,

Marlena