My dad. I don't even know where to start and there's not even that much to talk about.
My first ever memory of my dad and it's not even a nice one. My dad has an alcohol problem, he won't admit it but he does. He would come home all the time drunk and get angry and start hitting out. It was never my mum or me but the walls. There were photos strategically placed on the walls to cover the holes.
One night he came home, i was still awake even though i should have been asleep hours ago. I was only about 4 years old, i think. He was drunk, as usual and he started hitting out, it got really bad and my mum had to phone the police, if you read the last chapter (which you should have) you'll know that my mum has always been ill. At this time although she wasn't very bad she was still not completely well. I cried and cried but the shouting continued, it was like i was invisible or silent. Just a little ghost in the corner.
By the time the police got there things had calmed down and i was sat on my dads knee, still crying. Statements were taken and my dad was arrested. I remember screaming down the halls as i watched him being marched away. No one wants to witness that at 4 years old. I wish i never.
My mum and dad got a divorce. I don't have a clue where my dad moved too he's always lived all over. I barely ever heard from him, christmas and birthdays but other than that he was non existant.
Then one day i found out he was in a relationship with a new woman. At first i wasn't sure what to think but i met her and she seemed nice. She was warned about my dads behavious but she told everyone he had changed. We believed her she seemed happy as did he.
While he was with her i became a bigger part of his life again, i got phonecalls regularly and i would go and stay with them, i had a lot of fun even though i was only young.
They had a baby, my beautiful little sister. She was born premature like REALLY premature. As in you can still get an abortion at the time she was born. She was in hospital for 5 months but she survived. I watched my dad spend all his time devoting himself to being a full time stay at home dad when she was released from hospital. I really believed that he had changed at this point.
I was wrong. One day i got a phonecall from my step mum telling me that they had split up. I knew it was coming though, he had been visiting the pub again and when i had been visiting they had been arguing a little. I would cry and run upstairs and dad would follow me and then shout at me for getting upset and tell me 'adults argue Paige.' Whatever.
I stayed in close contact with my now ex-stepmum and i still do she's a good person! But my contact with my dad has done nothing but gone downhill, it turns out that men really do need women to remind them of things such as calling their kids.
When i say we got distant i mean i speak to my dad about once every 4 months, sometimes only twice a year; christmas and my birthday. It actually really hurts that my own dad can't stay in contact with me. Not even a quick phonecall or a text. I hate him for it, it's a horrible word and i know what it's like to lose a parent so i shouldn't say it but it's true. He's my only parent and he is completely useless.
For my sixteenth birthday he got me..... nothing. Not even a card, how hard is it to buy a 99p card and a stamp? He claimed he has no money. Give up the alcohol then, surely your kids should come first?
I got into an argument with him one day and started crying, it must have looked attractive because at this point i was 17. I cried my eyes out and screamed in his face because i never hear from him, i never see him and he doesn't act like he cares. He promised me he would keep in more regular contact. Now promise is a big word in my eyes and you don't do it unless you are willing to 100% commit to that promise. But of course he broke it. The next time i heard from him after that argument (which by the way made him cry too so you would hve thought he cared) was 2 months later.
The final straw for me was when he stood up my little sister, he lives in the same area as her. It was fathers day and she had picked out a pair of socks for him and wrapped them (with help from her mum of course) and she wrote him a card too. She's 7 by the way, 10 years between us.
He had promised to go round and she was really excited to give them to him. He didnt even show up. He didn't apologise or anything. It broke my heart to see my sister that upset. When i visit her she asks me if i 'miss daddy as much as her' and my reply is always 'of course i do babygirl' but in all honesty i don't think i do.
Hurt my feelings fine, i'm used to it by now but that is my little sister, i've been through it all before i know how it goes and i don't want to watch my sister go through it too. No.
When i visit my sister now i make sure my dad doesn't know i'm in the area because i don't want to see him. He doesn't make contact with me, he doesn't get me birthday presents and for christmas he got me seasons 1-4 of supernatural. Pirate copies may i add. Cheers dad.
I don't want to hurt anymore but i do. When you lose a parent it's always nice to have the other to pick up the pieces but i don't have that and i wish i did.
Sometimes i feel so alone. So lost and i want my dad to reach out and pick me up, i can be his little princess again and we can act like we are a happy family. But we will never be that.
.My dad always used to tell me that he would always be around. I might have only been about 4 then but he said it. ALWAYS. Almost as big a word as 'promise'
So my question is... Where are you now dad?
