**FLASHBACK TIME**
I still remember the day when my life changed forever. I was 8 years old, my mum was ill, she always had been it was all I knew. She had been through a lot in her short lived life but she always stayed strong for me. Although I was only 8 I was the adult in the house. My mum had a stroke at the tender age of 19, she had to do all her exams again but she managed it and passed them all a second time. She is my absolute inspiration. We moved closer to my family as my mum got more ill.
My mum would spend all day lay on the sofa barely able to get up, it got so hard for her because she was so ill and in so much pain but I was only young so I didn't know any better. I thought maybe it was normal, which looking back I see it was not normal, not at all.
I was the one doing the cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, shopping, caring. In 2002 I was awarded a certificate by the stroke association for my dedication towards being a young carer, they told me I had great courage, enormous strength, will power and that I was an inspiration to others. I was 7 years old. That's not inspiration, that's love.
One day my mum got really ill and she was taken to the hospital, she was weak and frail. She could barely do anything at all. Again I still didn't really understand, I thought she would be completely fine but I was wrong. I don't know how long she stayed in hospital for I can't remember but it seemed like ages.
I don't remember who I stayed with while she was in hospital although I presume it was my cousin. We made lots of visits, every day.
My mum gave me a teddy bear while she was in hospital, it was small and purple and I cherished it with all my heart, I took it everywhere I went. It came to school with me, if I went to the shop, it came with me. It was my little piece of my mum.
On one particular day we were going to the hospital to visit, everyone was suspiciously quiet but what did I know I was 8 years old. The date: 29th February 2004. Leap day, only comes around once every 4 years. We pulled into a service station and my cousin turned to me and told me that mum was gone. I didn't understand. My mum couldn't be gone she was in hospital what did they mean? She'd escaped? No. They meant dead. Gone, forever.
I cried so much, I tried to run away, I opened the car door and ran. I didn't know where I was going I just ran. I tripped and fell over and my cousin picked me up and took me back to the car and we went home but it wasn't home. My home was with mum not my cousin.
The bear she gave me was the last thing my mum ever gave me. I cherished it and I kept hold of it with even more grip than ever before.
Only the night before I had had an argument with my mum, while she was in hospital. It wasn't really that big of an argument, she had no toilet paper and I told her I would go down to the shop across the road and get her some. She said no, the hospital have toilet paper. I told her I wanted to go and get her some and the argument went back and forth. I still look back at that argument almost every day and rage at myself for arguing with her I should have just listened. I was just so used to caring for her that it was hard for me to watch other people do it for me.
I lost the teddy bear. I don't know where I lost it but I cried for ages, no one could talk to me I wouldn't listen to them. They didn't understand, they still had their mums.
I went back to school after a few days and my teacher took me out of lesson to plant some flowers in the flower bed for her. I remember sitting on the wall waiting for her to go and get some water, there was a classroom beside me and they had the window open. I heard one kid say
"what is she doing out of lesson" and then another said
"her mum just died" I couldn't control the tears and I bawled my eyes out. They didn't mean to upset me, but it hurt. It was confirmation that this wasn't just a dream.
The funeral came around fast, I don't remember much about it except the tears although one thing made me smile that day; we were supposed to have Robbie Williams 'Angels' as her song but the vicar guy told us that someone had taken the CD it shouldn't have been amusing but it was, I guess I was just looking for a reason to smile, because every other reason had been taken from me.
I made a speech that I was proud of, 8 years old with my speech in hand, I got to the front of the service and broke down. I sat on the floor and cried until my aunty came and picked me up, she did my speech for me.
I talked about all the good times we'd had together, all the promises we had made to each other about things we would do when I was older; shopping trips, my prom, my wedding, I guess she knew she didn't have long.
The song choice instead was Eva Cassidy 'Fields of gold'
My mum was and always will be an inspiration to me, she taught me so much about life and that no matter what happens it is always possible to stay strong. I still cry of course I do, I'm human. I cry myself to sleep. I cried because I lost the bear, I cried because I had no one to hold my hand through my first heartbreak, I cried because she didn't get to see me go to prom, I cry because it helps. A quote that helped me deal with this was 'crying doesn't mean you're weak, it means you've been strong for too long'
I love you mum, forever and always. My own piece of heaven. R.I.P<3
Authors note; this might not be the best but it is how i feel, it's been made shorter because i don't want to bore you all. Thank you x
