Writing Dreams

Mistakes of having 'No Outlines'

I keep on overthinking, focusing on the bad side of things which made me feel like the negativity seem to be taking over me.

I realized that I am lost of words, lost in my thoughts and my mind just wonder and wander around like a person in the desert looking for the oasis.

I see people rehearsing things over and over again, trying to control the anxiety, the mental toll problems in life have caused them. It is a mistake to judge them badly based on what bad perception of things.

When I was younger I was exposed in an environment with the typical life cycle.

A child is born, she gets older, have a career or be idle, to work for others or be a business man, to get married or not, have children or none, to adopt or to be just a couple, to change career or to stick to it until retirement, to settle alone in the old house or to stay with the grand children while watching or hearing how the next generation is doing, to die and be buried or be cremated, to have something good to be remembered.

Often I wonder why I did not plan ahead.

Seems like I lack volition or is it because I just lacked the initiative to write down my own plans.

I often write about my self and what I have been observing or thinking. Some people might be thinking I am a psychopath or a narcissistic person which actually is not the case.

If I have been just too obsessed with my self, my image and my reputation, why was I not able to plan and push through my goals? It may even seem like I do not have some.

I felt like I have been an ignorant all my life that maybe I let my self be drowned in distressed of not knowing anything.

Either I pushed my self to the water without any knowledge about swimming or some bastards pushed me into it unknowingly.

I feel like I am mentally drowning or maybe just exaggerating things. But exaggeration is not even the good word for it.

Failure to prepare is preparing to fail.

I know that was the reason why I called my self dumb so many times. But blaming my self did not help.

Was I too afraid that people might know about my plans, sabotage them and be laughed at?

I also had the mistake of being afraid to try new things, sticking to what I am accustomed to and still be comfortable regardless of whatever life throws at me.

Self-help also is not full help but it helps a lot.

No one can push your self harder to stand back up than your self.

My mistake is that I lacked the determination.

Maybe I did not know what I wanted in the first place. That was the main reason I keep wanting the successes that others have.

So now I want to correct this mistake, to yearn for something worth living and dying, to be grateful and thankful, be consistent and disciplined, to be able to choose my battles wisely, to have the stamina of an Ox (but I hope not to be pushed hard like one), to be able to help not just my self but others as well, to be mentally and physically congruent and harmonious, to die NOT feeling like I need to redo things or undo mistakes, to be at peace and in peace after I die.

May God hear my silent prayers.