The Phases of Me

Chapter 2: Almost doesn't count

Going to William Dandy reminded me of one of my favorite movies The Wood and I made so many friends there I felt like I belonged there, students were nice, the teachers were nice, everybody was just nice as hell and I was not used to that, especially the school I came from, but I had to realize I was now in middle school and ALOT had changed about me even my depression, or so I thought. 

I met this girl who became my best friend, and she became more like a sister as the days, months and years went by, her name was Feresha better known as Fee-Fee and when I tell you she was that girl, she was THAT girl. Her mom was nice, but she was that girl too. I began to like living on 11th Street, I met new friends but then the bullying started again. There was this boy named John, and he would bully me every single damn day there wasn't a day that went by that he didn't bully me, I did nothing about it but told my dad and the only thing that he would say is "he's a boy and you don't have no business in no boy face" and he was the one bullying me until I kept coming to him about the same issue and then he finally did something about it. I couldn't be the tomboy I was used to being anymore because my parents, especially my dad wouldn't let me go outside or leave his sight and that was understandable as a parent I'll be way too. 

There would be weekends when I could go over to my older sibling's house and play and be a kid and most definitely spend time with my oldest sister Punkin.  She would take me to her job with her and treat me like a sister and I loved our relationship, she had my first niece, and I was able to express myself without being judged by her at all. I had other family members that treated me like I was not a part of the family and I believe I was hated by many of them, they would never say anything, but I just know how they felt by the way they acted toward me. I never told my mom about how I was treated I just thought she would see it eventually. 

I thought I was grown when I turned 11, was able to put the little hair I had on my head in a ponytail, and started to look like a girl I felt like I looked like a boy when people would say my brother and I looked alike, but I was focused on my books and on being child, but there was this one boy that was trying to get my attention and he never got the satisfaction, although I looked like I was 17 instead of 11 I stayed in a child's place. My sister Tamkia would come to visit on some weekends and stay with us while my mom and dad worked, and I just knew on Fridays of the next week I would be going over to their house and would have a chance to see my sisters cousin Pooh. We were the same age, and we would flirt which is so childish of us, but we were children and neither one of us knew what we were doing, we were both pissed in the bed, and I personally thought we were meant to be for that reason. It was crazy how I fell for him but again we were young, and I wanted to go over there every weekend just to see him, he would buy me candy and child shit even one top he got me a ring pop and fake proposed to me. He started seeing this girl named Cecily and I knew it was over with us, when he found out she cheated on him with his friend he wanted to come back, I was a child, but I knew my worth. 

I decided that I wanted to tell my mom about what happened and surprisingly she wasn't mad at all, she gave me the rundown about boys and getting my heart involved, etc. I stopped going over to my sister's house for a while and stayed home just to clear my heart and my mind from this boy. My sister would come over and we would have sister time she was messy as fuck, there was this man in our neighborhood and he was an attractive older guy that I obviously didn't have my eyes on him because he was just too old for me and plus he looked like he could be my uncle or something so I started calling him Uncle Red, I didn't want to talk to boys anyway, shit I was the boy. Another night I would never forget was when my mom went out for the weekend and my dad was home watching tv and doing whatever else at that time, he didn't worry about my whereabouts as long as he knew I was with my sister because he just knew she would take good care of me... she did that alright... there was this guy in our apartment complex name Chris, and he was a few years older than me I had no business in this boy's face and I wasn't in his face at all, my sister set us up and that was my first and last time having sex. He made me feel comfortable, said all the right things, eased me into being comfortable before we had sex, and my sister was on the other bed with Chris's cousin, and they did what they did.  He 'popped my cherry', I went home took a shower, and acted normal, I could hear my sister talking to me but I didn't hear it seemed like her voice was far away to the point that it was inaudible because I was scared, scared because I didn't want my parents to know, I didn't want the neighborhood to know I didn't want anybody to know. Afterward, it was nothing to be excited about or to even brag about, but it happened and I'm not ashamed about it, it's my life, and lived it, after that, I was one and done, I was back to my boyish ways and never had sex again. 

As you can imagine I was still being bullied by kids and I never stood up for myself like I should have, and I blame that on me because I was never a fighter, I've always been the lover type there were girls in the apartment that were mean, but some were cool, and we all hung out, did each other's hair and just chilled, most of the things that they were doing I was not allowed to do, not even go to the skating rink or stay the night at my friends' house because my dad didn't play that, it's something about Haitian fathers that scream STRICT and he was every bit of that. I couldn't talk to my dad the way I wanted to on most days because I knew he would either be drunk or he and my mom would be fighting over something stupid, once again I just sat in the mist watching one of my favorite shows Home Improvement and it happened to be one my dad's favorite shows as well, I was waiting on some object to be thrown over my head as I acted normal. Was I embarrassed? Yes. Did I want a normal and happy life? Yes. Did I want to do things with my dad that I saw my friends do with their dads? Yes. But did it happen? No. I would say almost, but almost doesn't count, does it?